What? Wednesday- Are You Trying to Disrupt the Space/Time Continuum?!

Is that $3000 2011 American Dollars or $3000 Little House on the Prairie American Dollars?

Listen up, Greg.  Time travel is no joke.  I have a special place in my a-hole-ish Flux Capicitor-shaped heart for Doc Brown that pumps 1.21 gigawatts of blood through it everyday which means I take the space/time continuum very, very seriously.  I don’t think Marty McFly would appreciate you sending some possible reefer addict to the past and ruining the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.   

Also, what’s up with the sexism? 

My advice?  Make the inaugural time travel trip yourself, find your past self, work together to get your present self laid, therefore ensuring that your future self won’t be such a  douche bag.

What? Wednesday- Who Run the World?

 I love Beyoncé.  I’ve watched this video for Beyoncé’s “Who Run the World” many, many, many times. 

I also love Cubby very, very much.

What? Wednesday- If This Buggy’s a Rockin’ Don’t Come a Knockin’

Being a pervy sexting pedophile is not funny.  Being a pervy, sexting Amish almost-pedophile is a little funny.

I hope Little Willie Yoder was in the Witness Protection Program, and that his cover is now blown.

What? Wednesday- I Couldn’t Have Said it Better Myself. Seriously.

This. Is. Perfect. 

If you can honestly tell me that you have never thought this very thought at one time or another when caring for your own child, niece, nephew or any kid you have ever tried to put to bed then you are a perfect person, and I don’t think we can be friends.

What? Wednesday- Wienergate. Yawn.

So, yeah.  A few things:

1. She’s really teasing the hell out of that hot dog. *wink, wink*
2. Muffins would have had that hot dog down in like 5 seconds.
3. I can’t get my mind out of the gutter so I’ll stop.

P.S.  I was surprised (no, I wasn’t) to see I have an existing “weanies” tag on this website.

What? Wednesday- Beware of Frisbees and Pilgrims

I keep expecting the cheesy late night Cinemax Skin-e-max “boom-chicka-wow-wow” music to kick in, but it doesn’t.  This, is even better:

P.S.:  Great ass, pilgrim.

Video via Buzzfeed

What? Wednesday- Wild Man Cat Found on Subway

Back story (as made up by yours truly):  This guy thinks he’s a cat- a wild man cat.  He goes by the name of Muffins, and purrs when you shake his hand.   He also poops in a man-sized litter box.  He buys his litter in bulk.

Don’t worry, though.  He’s a classy man cat, and refuses to give himself a man cat bath in public.

But, he will clean his shoe.

Video via Buzzfeed.

What? Wednesday- And Now a Rap by DJ Shut the F Up

Don’t worry.  It’s totally ok to make fun of this kid.  I, too, thought I’d go to hell for thinking such cruel, but funny things about this video.    Yes, this kid is a complete tool, but he totally wins.  You see, the only way to get this little ditty out your head is to go to church and pray it away.  It’s a wash!

God is doin’ it.  God is doin’ a nu thaaaaaaaang!  *Spirit fingers*

What? Wednesday- Yes Sir, That’s My Baby!

A couple of things to look for:

• 0:38- Please resist the urge to fist bump that moose knuckle.  You’ll hurt your hand.
• 1:50- You’re welcome.

Thanks, Buzz Feed?

What? Wednesday- Put Down Your Guns, Slap Your Children

This is how all conflicts, no matter how big or small, should be handled from now on. 

Boss up in your face?  Slap duel.

Need a way to end the war in Afghanistan?  Slap war.

Evil witch steal your parking spot?  Slap it out. (More on this tomorrow)

I need to find this little boy and train from him.  He will be my Mr. Miyagi, my Kung Fu slap master.  He will break my spirit by forcing me to practice my slap skills on a pin cushion until my hands are raw and bleeding.  He will laugh at my pain as he bitch slaps me over and over again with the back of his hand.   

After months of grueling training, and only after I have gained his respect, will he allow me to study him, learn from him, and ultimately master his ancient slap fight secrets. 

Yes, Sensei!  That’s exactly what I’ll do.