Tag Archives: drunk

Hows ‘Bout a Cup A Tea, Gub-ner?

28 Jul

Do you know what you get when you put a bunch of drunk adults who are on vacation, camping, after having spent the entire day at the lake, their stomachs full, and the kids asleep? 

Besides a few who refuse to quit (quitting is for losers), and end up passed out on their camping chair with their mouths open, you get a bunch of drunkies who’ve reverted backed to their 16-year-old selves, and who think that tea bagging those poor passed out souls is hilaaaaaaaaarious.

Pinkies up, ladies and gents

 But, you also get the deep thinkers, like myself, who watch these drunken shenanigans and think, how can we make this better

I leaned over to my friend and in my completely inebriated state said:

Me:  Why do the guys get to have all of the fun?  I say we start meat curtaining people.

Friend:  HAHAHAHAHAH!  Right?!  Let’s do it.

Me:  Yeah, we can get a chair, stand behind them and position ourselves so all you see is a nose.

Peek-a-boo
Friend:  GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YO!
My friend and I must have been talking and laughing a bit too obnoxiously, because when Hubby heard the words “meat curtains” come out of my mouth, he immediately stopped what he was doing, calmly walked over to me, gently grabbed my arm, and sternly told me it was definitely time for bed. 
 
That’s it.  Party over.
 
Geez.   You’d think that he thought I might actually go through with it or something. 
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Please! No One Help Her!

13 May

You know how when you’re having a really bad day or week or whatever, and you feel as though you’re ready to snap, but then you see something or someone that’s a hot mess, and you think, “Oh good!  That is way suckier than what’s happening to me.  I’m so glad I’m not that person.”, and it makes you feel better about yourself and your situation?  

No?  Oh.  Well, I’m an a-hole and I think this is hilarious.   

AAAAAAAH  HA HA HA HA HA !  *deep breath* *HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  *wipe tears* *snort* OMG!  HA HA HA HA HA!  *pee a little* HA HA HA HA HA!

Oh man.  I feel much better. 

Happy Friday the 13th!

So Many Princes, So Little Time

26 Apr

Please note I wrote this post dressed in my royal wedding attire- my wedding dress from 1998, black finger-less knit gloves that I’m pretending are dainty white lace gloves, the Easter bonnet I wore when I was five, and a black paten leather purse Wuelita gave me sits gingerly on lap.  Instead of a cup of tea, however, I’m drinking a pint of Guinness out of my 1995 Homecoming Queen mug.  I’m also a little drunk.

I’m into the royal wedding.  I admit it.  Don’t judge… or do.  I would.

First of all, well done, Waity Katie.  Well done.  *slow clap*

You’ve waited eight loooong years for your day.  It’s so close you can taste it.  I bet it tastes like chocolate covered strawberries or really smooth tequila. 

If on the off-chance the Royal CIA finds out about your booze-filled stripper days before you and Will have a chance to make it official (getting knocked up would seal the deal- just saying), here’s a list of Princely alternates:

Prince Harry:

Pros:  First of all, good for Prince Harry!  He he had the whole ginger thing going against him, but he was able to overcome adversity to become the hotter brother.  He’s also a little wild as far as English monarch aristocracy goes. 

I love me a bad boy. 

Cons:  He’s a ginger.  His name is Harry (perhaps you’re more mature than I am, and can overlook that).  He also once dressed up as a Nazi for a costume party.  The Royal Etiquette police really dropped the ball on that one, wouldn’t you say, chaps?

Prince Charming

Pros:  He can slay a dragon.  He’s incredibly handsome.  He’s charming.

Cons:  His tendency to wear tights and break into song makes me think he sort of leans toward the pink end of the man spectrum, if you know what I mean.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the gays, but I wouldn’t want a husband that’s prettier than me. 

Prince of Darkness

Pros:  He lives in warm climate.  The two of you have become really good friends since you cemented your business deal- the one wherein you sold your soul to him in exchange for a crown. 

Cons:  He’s the devil.  He can be temperamental.  He’s clingy.

Prince Chunk

Pros:  He’s cute.  You would look really skinny standing next to him.  He’ll want to cuddle afterwards.

Cons:  He’s lazy.  He’s Harry hairy.  He’s a pussy.

Prince (as in the artist)

Pros:  Too many to  name.

Cons:  He’s prettier than you. (*See Prince Charming*)

Congrats to the royal couple.  I look forward to years of stalking and judging you.

Cheerio!

In Lieu of Gifts, Please Send Gifts

22 Apr

WHAT’S UP BEOTCHES!!???  WOOO-HOOOO!  Like, it’s me, Mother Earth! 

I’m wasted!  I’ve literally been up since the crack of dawn celebrating my day.  It started with beer bongs with my boys in New Zealand (call me!).  

I totally forgot that I promised by boo, DMTF, that I would guest post for her today (oops).   It’s a good thing I brought my phone with me.  I didn’t want to bring it because I have a tendency to drunk dial when I party, but I’m like sooo glad I brought it.  DMTF would have killed me if I didn’t post.  She totally loves you guys.  She’s like completely obsessed. 

So, Happy Earth Day, bitches!  It is all about me today.  If you plan on celebrating my Super Sweet Sixty Million Birthday Bash, you better do something really big for me….or with me (I’m such a slut.)

Oh yeah!  To all the hippy tree huggers out there, you get V.I.P. access at my party in Vegas tonight- even if the chicks don’t shave your armpits, and the dudes smell like beets.  I love you guys.  I totally have your back.

Finally, I want to apologize to my peeps in Wisconsin.  I know I’ve been behaving sort of shitty with you, lately.  The thing is, my boyfriend, who goes to UW-Madison, just broke up with me.  I found out that d-bag was cheating on me with that Slutty McSlutbag, Mother Nature.  I am so mad you guys.  

He said I was too “needy” and a little psycho because I went through his phone one night and deleted every contact with a girl name.  I was all like, “Whatever. Sensitive much?”

I don’t really care, though.  He’s a total coward.  You know how I found out he was breaking up with me?  He changed his Facebook status to “It’s complicated.”  Ummmm, whatever.  You want complicated?  How about October weather in April?  How about snow on Easter?  Is that “complicated” enough for you? 

Well, I gotta run. I have tons of appearances to make and I promised Snooki I’d go tanning with her before my Western hemisphere parties.  Plus, she said she’d do my hair in a poof.

Don’t forget to do something nice for me to today. 

Peace and Love,

Ma’ Earth

XOXO

Can You Hear the Love Blossom?

1 Apr

Remember that night you went out with your friends and got really, really wasted?  You met that really hot person who looked like a beautiful angel in a room full of carnies.  The only reason you had the nerve to approach that beautiful creature was because you had been drinking all night.

The two of you talked for a while, and even though it was super loud and you couldn’t hear a word that person was saying,  you were pretty sure you felt a connection.  At closing time the two of  you exchanged numbers.

On the way home you wouldn’t shut up about that person.  You kept annoying your friends by drunkenly and loudly proclaiming:

No you guys!  You don’t understand!  We had a chemistry.  You knooooooow?  A CONNECTION!

Before dropping you off  your most sober friend grabbed your arm and said something like:

Promise me you won’t call that person until tomorrow.  You’re really drunk.

You managed to slur:

Um hmmmm.  I praaaa *hiccup/burp* praaaaaaaaa mis.

You called anyway, didn’t you?

Nooooo.  It’s fine.  You didn’t sound stupid at all.

Instant A-Hole- Just Add Alcohol

11 Mar

Watch this chick get wasted.  I heard she also gets a little grab-assy.  What an A-hole.