Tag Archives: alcohol

No, I Didn’t Get Raptured. Just Ripped.

1 Jun

What’s up Interweb?!

So, yeah.  I took an unexpected hiatus.  I basically took a hiatus from everything including, but not limited to, cleaning my house, yard work, and checking anything off of my To Do List.   Things I didn’t take a hiatus from include eating ice cream, reading some really good books, humpy time with the Hubby, and piña coladas.

Since my last post, I am now the mother to an adorable, but extremely a-hole-ish, new puppy!  I forgot how much work a puppy can be, especially when you end up with an a-hole like Kemba.  Obviously, I love him, but he’s sort of evile.  As a matter of fact, as I type this I can hear his evil puppy growls and snarls as Hubby sternly repeats, “Kemba!  No bite!!”.  This has been going on for about 20 minutes.  We better break that dog’s spirit soon or I’m afraid we’re going to end up with a complete dickhead of a dog.

I can’t wait to read what you guys have been up to.  I missed you.  Seriously.  I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk.  As my classy girl, Snooki, would say, “I love you so much, I want you to get it in”.

Jersey Shore, Bitches!

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Equal Opportunity Brawler

3 May

My friend “A” called the other day to ask if I would be interested in seeing Def Leppard in concert this Summer (no, I’m not).  That reminded me of something.

One warm Summer night a few years ago, Hubby and I went with “A” and her boyfriend see a local reggae band.  I was particularly excited because I love the band, and because the bar served killer margaritas.  The combination of the weather, music, and fruity drinks is what Summer is all about for me. 

As the band played and the drinks went down, I noticed there was a woman standing directly in front of the stage.  There were about four empty beer bottles and a few empty margarita glasses on the table next to her.  She was very pretty and had this long straight dark hair that swayed back and forth with the beat of the music.  She struggled to maintain her balance. 

The band played the first few notes of “Three Little Birds” and “A” grabbed my arm and screamed “I LOVE THIS SONG!  LETS DANCE.”  She whisked me away toward the front of the crowd and we danced to the music.

Things were getting pretty tight on the dance floor.  As the crowd pushed us closer and closer to the stage I noticed we were also moving closer to Miss Sway-zee .   “A” accidentally bumped into her, and quickly apologized with a sincere “Sorry, hon.  It’s so crowded in here.”

But, Miss Sway-zee wasn’t having it.  She responded with a glare so cold I could see my breath.  “A” was taken aback, “Whatever”, “A” said as I pulled her away.

A few moments later I saw Miss Sway-zee leave her post and stumble towards us.  I immediately got the feeling that this wasn’t going to end well.  I slammed my margarita and prepared for the worse.

Sure enough, just as Miss Sway-zee passed us, she dropped her shoulder right into “A’s” causing “A” to spill her drink all over herself.

A:  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

BB:  *blink, blink*

A:  You need to move along. 

BB:  *glassy-eyed stare*

A:  WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

BB:  *Sway. Stumble. Sway*

A:  You know what?!  You’re wasted.  Just get out of my face.

BB:  *Nothing*

A:  Are you deaf?!  I said get out of my face.

Then, it hit me.  The evening’s scenes played in a montage in my head-  M. Knight Shyamalan style.

  • Miss Sway-zee  had been glued to the front of the stage the entire night-  not even a  foot away from a huge speaker. 
  • When “A” apologized for bumping into her, Miss Sway-zee acted as though she hadn’t heard her. 
  • The verbal exchange that had just happened was literally falling on deaf ears. 

I grabbed “A’s” arm and slurred into her ear, “I’m pretty sure she is deaf.”

Just then a woman came flying across the room yelling, “Stop! ” The woman, who was a close friend to Miss Sway-zee, explained to us that her friend was indeed, deaf. 

“A” was immediately embarrassed.  She turned to apologize to Miss Sway-zee .  “I’m sorry”, she said.  At that moment, Miss Sway-zee grabbed “A’s” face and mouthed with 100% exaggeration and sarcasm,  “F&#K YOU”.

“A” is not proud of what happened next.  But, I can say that Miss Sway-zee didn’t get any special treatment that evening.  “A” is definitely an equal opportunity ass kicker.

So Many Princes, So Little Time

26 Apr

Please note I wrote this post dressed in my royal wedding attire- my wedding dress from 1998, black finger-less knit gloves that I’m pretending are dainty white lace gloves, the Easter bonnet I wore when I was five, and a black paten leather purse Wuelita gave me sits gingerly on lap.  Instead of a cup of tea, however, I’m drinking a pint of Guinness out of my 1995 Homecoming Queen mug.  I’m also a little drunk.

I’m into the royal wedding.  I admit it.  Don’t judge… or do.  I would.

First of all, well done, Waity Katie.  Well done.  *slow clap*

You’ve waited eight loooong years for your day.  It’s so close you can taste it.  I bet it tastes like chocolate covered strawberries or really smooth tequila. 

If on the off-chance the Royal CIA finds out about your booze-filled stripper days before you and Will have a chance to make it official (getting knocked up would seal the deal- just saying), here’s a list of Princely alternates:

Prince Harry:

Pros:  First of all, good for Prince Harry!  He he had the whole ginger thing going against him, but he was able to overcome adversity to become the hotter brother.  He’s also a little wild as far as English monarch aristocracy goes. 

I love me a bad boy. 

Cons:  He’s a ginger.  His name is Harry (perhaps you’re more mature than I am, and can overlook that).  He also once dressed up as a Nazi for a costume party.  The Royal Etiquette police really dropped the ball on that one, wouldn’t you say, chaps?

Prince Charming

Pros:  He can slay a dragon.  He’s incredibly handsome.  He’s charming.

Cons:  His tendency to wear tights and break into song makes me think he sort of leans toward the pink end of the man spectrum, if you know what I mean.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the gays, but I wouldn’t want a husband that’s prettier than me. 

Prince of Darkness

Pros:  He lives in warm climate.  The two of you have become really good friends since you cemented your business deal- the one wherein you sold your soul to him in exchange for a crown. 

Cons:  He’s the devil.  He can be temperamental.  He’s clingy.

Prince Chunk

Pros:  He’s cute.  You would look really skinny standing next to him.  He’ll want to cuddle afterwards.

Cons:  He’s lazy.  He’s Harry hairy.  He’s a pussy.

Prince (as in the artist)

Pros:  Too many to  name.

Cons:  He’s prettier than you. (*See Prince Charming*)

Congrats to the royal couple.  I look forward to years of stalking and judging you.

Cheerio!

In Lieu of Gifts, Please Send Gifts

22 Apr

WHAT’S UP BEOTCHES!!???  WOOO-HOOOO!  Like, it’s me, Mother Earth! 

I’m wasted!  I’ve literally been up since the crack of dawn celebrating my day.  It started with beer bongs with my boys in New Zealand (call me!).  

I totally forgot that I promised by boo, DMTF, that I would guest post for her today (oops).   It’s a good thing I brought my phone with me.  I didn’t want to bring it because I have a tendency to drunk dial when I party, but I’m like sooo glad I brought it.  DMTF would have killed me if I didn’t post.  She totally loves you guys.  She’s like completely obsessed. 

So, Happy Earth Day, bitches!  It is all about me today.  If you plan on celebrating my Super Sweet Sixty Million Birthday Bash, you better do something really big for me….or with me (I’m such a slut.)

Oh yeah!  To all the hippy tree huggers out there, you get V.I.P. access at my party in Vegas tonight- even if the chicks don’t shave your armpits, and the dudes smell like beets.  I love you guys.  I totally have your back.

Finally, I want to apologize to my peeps in Wisconsin.  I know I’ve been behaving sort of shitty with you, lately.  The thing is, my boyfriend, who goes to UW-Madison, just broke up with me.  I found out that d-bag was cheating on me with that Slutty McSlutbag, Mother Nature.  I am so mad you guys.  

He said I was too “needy” and a little psycho because I went through his phone one night and deleted every contact with a girl name.  I was all like, “Whatever. Sensitive much?”

I don’t really care, though.  He’s a total coward.  You know how I found out he was breaking up with me?  He changed his Facebook status to “It’s complicated.”  Ummmm, whatever.  You want complicated?  How about October weather in April?  How about snow on Easter?  Is that “complicated” enough for you? 

Well, I gotta run. I have tons of appearances to make and I promised Snooki I’d go tanning with her before my Western hemisphere parties.  Plus, she said she’d do my hair in a poof.

Don’t forget to do something nice for me to today. 

Peace and Love,

Ma’ Earth

XOXO

Wish I Would Have Known

12 Apr

From Yahohomimi on Flickr

A Michigan Applebee’s has recently come under fire for serving a toddler  “apple juice spiked with an alcoholic margarita mix magical goodness“.  I wouldn’t have thought to mix the two, but now I can’t wait to try it. 

Fortunately, the drunken baby is ok, but, apparently, this isn’t the first time a mix up like this has happened at an Applebee’s.  Before the A-Rita (see what I did there?)  incident an Applebee’s employee served a  5 year-old a Long Island Iced Tea.  A Long Island Iced Tea.  That’s the drink equivalent to a Vicodin!

The mother of the toddler said she knew her son was drunk because:

“I mean within minutes his eyes were glazed, he started behaving so peculiar, laughing uncontrollably, licking the bread basket that was on the table…”
Ok.  Personally, what that mom described sounds exactly like every toddler I’ve ever met.  Kudos to her for coming to the conclusion that Jr. was wasted.  I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference since I think toddlers act like alcoholics most of the time anyway:
  1. They can hardly walk.
  2. You can’t understand 90% of what they’re saying.
  3. They pee their pants.
  4. They can be hilariously silly (e.g. licking the bread basket).
  5. They can have really shitty attitudes, and usually need to sleep it off. 
  6. They drool all over themselves.
  7. They shove food in their faces and only get 1/3 of it into their mouths.
  8. When they get pissed off, they can clear a room by making everyone feel uncomfortable and sorry for their parents.
  9. They’re co-dependant.
  10. They can be emotionally abusive.

I can’t stop thinking of this A-Rita!  After I drink my lunch, I’m going to start the rumor on Son’s Facebook page that Applebee’s serves to everyone so long as they use the code word “Juice”.  Then, I’m going to take him and a bunch of his friends there for dinner tonight.

Instant A-Hole- Just Add Alcohol

11 Mar

Watch this chick get wasted.  I heard she also gets a little grab-assy.  What an A-hole.