Tag Archives: smoking

Smoking Hot Thanks

29 Apr

Dear Readers:

Do you like my wedding hat?

The Royal Wedding was fabulous!  Kate looked beautiful.  Will was a real-life Prince Charming.  Luckily, for the all the single ladies out there, Harry is still on the market.  How cute is he?

I have a knees up party to prepare for, but I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their time and comments (keep them coming).

Please take a moment to like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter.  You won’t regret it.  I’m brilliant.

Your English  Rose,



It Just Tastes So Good Once It Hits My Lips

21 Mar

I have a love/hate relationship with smoking.   Basically, I love to smoke.  And, I hate myself for it. 

I have the matching t-shirt and tote.

Please don’t judge.  I know it’s bad for my health.  I’m not debating that.  I’m just being honest. 

My nasty habit began long, long ago on a cold and rainy spring day in my friend’s garage.  She had been doing the laundry and found a soft pack of Marlboro Reds rolled up in her brother’s faded, hole-infested Metallica t-shirt.  There was one left.   The whole thing went down like a cheesy After School Special.  We were bored.  We dared each other that the other wouldn’t take a drag.  Five minutes later we’re in the garage coughing up a lung and getting sick to our stomachs.

 My trigger is the smell of a freshly lit cigarette.  The Wisconsin smoking ban has helped curbed this trigger because all bars, restaurants, and campuses are now smoke-free which means I don’t have to smell it.  It also means that  I can smell a cigarette a mile away.   

The other day at school, I walked up on someone sneaking a smoke near a backdoor.  I stood there, frozen, staring at this kid as he took two long, crackling drags off his cigarette.  “What?”,  he said in his cocky 18-year-old voice.  “Nothing”, I silently mouthed.  I continued to stand there and watch him has he texted and smoked, texted and smoked, texted and smoked.  I focused on the sizzling red cherry of that cigarette until all that was left was a burnt little nub.  The entire time I was thinking, “I  love/hate you kid with the snotty attitude who won’t be told what to do, and sneaks out to have a smoke behind the garbage can on a non-smoking campus even at the threat of the rent a cop finding you and giving you a stern talking to”.  I love/hate you. 

I have given up my dirty little carcinogenic habit, for the most part (spoken like a true addict). But, I can do better.  I have to do better.  It’s just that every once in a while the urge to light one up is so intense that I feel like a full-blown junkie.  I get cold sweats, nervous twitches, and I start thinking of what I can trade for a cigarette. 

Excuse me, Sir.  Would you be willing to trade one of your cigs for…..my car?  No?  Oh, ok.  I understand.  Thanks anyway. 

Then, I break a bottle over the bar and shank him with it.

Why did you make me do that?!  I didn’t want to hurt you, man.  I just wanted a smoke.

 Just kidding.  It’s not that bad.  I mean, I don’t actually say that stuff out loud.  I just imagine it. 

Flash forward to this weekend.  It was nice out.  Hubby and I visited some friends, had some wine, and grilled some food.  I caved and a had smoke.  I loved/hated every second of it.

The next day, Son and I are driving in the car together.  He tells me about this cute girl he knows (I suspect he likes her even though he would never tell me). 

Me:    Do you think she’s cute?

Son:  I don’t want to talk about this.

Me.  I’m just asking if you think she’s cute.  It’s a yes or no question.

Son:  I used to think she was cute.

Me.  Used to?

Son:  Yeah.  But, I saw her smoking at a party and it was just……gross.  She smelled like cigarettes all night and I couldn’t talk to her.  I’m glad you quit.  I hated when you smoked.

*Shanked in the heart, punched in the gut guilt*

Readers, forget the E-cigs, the Nicorette, the patches, and the hypnosis.  For the unbelievably low price of $19.99 I will get my Son to come to your house and make you feel like a d-bag.  You’ll never want to smoke again.  

P.S.  Call within the next ten minutes and get a “I’m a d-bag” travel mug . Free!