Tag Archives: i’m the best

One Hundred Eighty Degrees of IN YO’ FACE!

11 Apr

Git Down Wit Da Git Down!

 
Uh huh!  That’s right! Oh yeah!  Can you feel that?!  *Obnoxious high-speed back-breaking pelvic thrusts*
I won the 360 vs. 180 Degree War of the Ages!  I knew you would see things my way.  I love you guys.  I’m totally going to get this tear running down my cheek tattooed on my face in your honor.

Something like this.

For those of you who voted in favor of Hubby’s 360 degree argument, let me explain it this way.  If I were a good sport I wouldn’t be gloating about being  RIGHT.  Therefore, acting like a grown up about this WIN would be a 180 degree difference from my usual a-hole personality.   So, in your face!

All Hail The Queen

8 Apr

Hiya!

Do you notice anything different about me? 

I’m wearing a new dress, silly.  I bought it for my coronation.  Coronation of what, you ask?  My coronation as QUEEN OF MOTHER F-IN APRIL FOOLS DAY, BEOTHES!

The world has spoken (by “world” I mean the 15 of you who voted)!  My April Fools Day joke was hilarious.  Thank you for agreeing.

Also, thank you for reading the blog.  As always, I appreciate your time.

Don’t forget to like my royal page on Facebook, follow the queen on Twitter (I’ll follow you back), and subscribe to Don’t Make That Face. 

Her Royal Highness,

DMTF

An Eternal Philosophical Question

8 Apr

I need your help settling a long-standing debate between Hubby and I.

In order to remain as neutral as possible, I will not tell you my position in this matter.  I will leave the final decision up to you, and will concede to your decision (as long as I agree with it….just kidding…..no, I’m not.)

The other day Hubby and I ran into an old friend who, for years, had been a complete burnout.  He is a very nice person, but he just didn’t have much ambition in life.  Well, we didn’t even recognize him.   He was wearing a suit and tie.  He was also with a really pretty (and clean) woman who is a departure from the class acts he’s dated in the past.  Some of his ex’s include an exotic dancer who dropped the f-bomb approximately 50 times in a five-minute conversation, a woman who I’m pretty sure could get pregnant by just looking at a penis and had the kids to prove it, and a woman who beat him up.

______:  It was really nice to see him!  Did you see that girl he was with?

______:   Yeah.  I didn’t even recognize him without his Jesus beard.

______:  I know!  And, he carries business cards.  Faaaaaancy.

______:  It’s like he’s done a complete 360.

______:  I’m really happy for him.  You mean 180.  

______:   Where did he say he works?  It’s 360, like a complete circle.

______:   He works at a place that sells medical equipment to assisted living facilities.  It’s 180.

______:  It’s 360.  As in, he’s done a complete turnaround.

______:  Nooooo, 180, as in, he’s the complete opposite of what he used to be.  The opposite of burnout is professional. 

______:  He’s completely turned his life around.  A complete circle is 360 degrees.

______: He used to live in Burnoutsville. Now, he’s living in Classygirlfriendwood.  180 degrees.

______:  Whatever.  I’m right.

______: (mumbles almost inaudibly) It’s 180.

______: 360.

Choose carefully.  Do some research if needed.  I need to be right on this one.  If you determine that Hubby is right I will never hear the end of it, and may need to stab pencils in my ears to muffle the sound of “IN YOUR FACE!”. 

April Fools Day A-hole?

4 Apr

I really, really enjoy April Fool’s Day.  Growing up, my Wuelita (read about her here and here) would call me, and in her most serious sounding voice, would tell me that either someone had died:

Joo reemembair my fren, Mrs. Ruiz?  Well….she drown in dee bath eating a sanwish.

APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!

or she was in the hospital:

Sweedy?  Is joo Wuelita.  *cough, cough*  I no feel so goo. I am going to die.

APRIL FOOL!!

 As you can see, she’s hilariously inappropriate.  I love it. 

I played a prank on my family a couple of years ago that I still get flack for. 

I set my alarm clock for 2:37 a.m on April Fools Day Eve.  It went off only once.  I got up, and started yelling that there was a fire in the house, and that I had called 911.  I ran into my Son’s room, turned on the light, threw a shirt at him and screamed at him to get the dog and get out.  Hubby shot out of bed, and ushered everyone outside into the cold dark morning.  So, there we were, standing outside (I’m the only one in a jacket) when I yelled “April Fools!” 

My son rolled his eyes and mumbled “What’s wrong with you?” as he dragged himself back up the stairs.  Hubby stood there staring at me trying to process what had happened.  He silently handed me the dog’s leash, shook his head, and went back bed, but not before giving our bedroom door a good slam.

I. Was. Dying.  I couldn’t help it.  I was Queen of April Fools Day.  It was the best prank ever.

All Hail the Mother F-in Queen

I got a call from my mom (Son had tattled)  a few hours later wherein she  proceeded to scold me.  Hubby didn’t talk to me all day.  All I got from him was a disapproving look and an occasional “What the hell is wrong with you?” look.  Although I giggled to myself all day whenever I thought about it, I had to admit that towards the end of the day I started to feel a little guilty.  I decided I needed to apologize.  I gathered my family in the living room and was just about to give my heartfelt (sort of) apology when the phone rang.  It was Wuelita.  I told her everything.  We died laughing.  She’s awesome. 

Some people say I took things a little too far.  But, to be honest,  every time I tell this story I laugh.  I try to be sorry, but I can’t.  What do you think?

Juggalo, Shmuggalo.

18 Feb

Sometimes,  El Jefe would get especially dramatic.  On these days, I would think:

 DANCE OFF, BE-OTCH!!!

Double Click

Please note that in these imaginary dance-offs, El Jefe was made up like a Juggalo and I moved like Beyonce.

I Love Rock ‘n Roll, Put Another Lime In the Juicebox Baby.

31 Jan

The following SNL skit from this weekend reminded of something:

I can totally school Hubby when it comes to song lyrics! I love to bring this up every chance I get because we’re insanely competitive.  Unfortunately, the list of things I can kick his ass in is pretty short.  It includes:

  1. Trivia Pursuit.
  2. B.J.’s.
  3. Not completely screwing up song lyrics.

Here are a few of  my favorite song lyrics according to Hubby:

Kool and the Gang “Celebration”  

Actual lyrics:  Celebrate good times, come on!

Hubby lyrics:     Celebration time, humm, hummm!

Katy Perry “Firework”  

Actual lyrics:  Cause baby you’re a firework.  Come on show ’em what your worth.  Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”.  As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Hubby lyrics:  Baby you’re the fireworks.  Come on and show ’em walls a worth.  Make ’em go-g0-go.  As they shoot across my eye-y-y.

“Happy Birthday”

Actual lyrics: Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday dear DMTF.  Happy Birthday to you.

*Hubby lyrics:  Happy birfday, *hiccup* to you.  Haffy *burp* umph youuuuuu.  Haffy bermfdaaaaa I lob you soooo mush.  *kisses my eye* Haffy I’m really drunk.

So Hubby, you may have beaten me at that game of Mario Kart this weekend, but I think you would agree that I’m the master of song lyrics.  So, suck it!

*This one doesn’t really count because it was at my last birthday party and we were both a little tipsy, but you get the idea.