Tag Archives: marriage

Hows ‘Bout a Cup A Tea, Gub-ner?

28 Jul

Do you know what you get when you put a bunch of drunk adults who are on vacation, camping, after having spent the entire day at the lake, their stomachs full, and the kids asleep? 

Besides a few who refuse to quit (quitting is for losers), and end up passed out on their camping chair with their mouths open, you get a bunch of drunkies who’ve reverted backed to their 16-year-old selves, and who think that tea bagging those poor passed out souls is hilaaaaaaaaarious.

Pinkies up, ladies and gents

 But, you also get the deep thinkers, like myself, who watch these drunken shenanigans and think, how can we make this better

I leaned over to my friend and in my completely inebriated state said:

Me:  Why do the guys get to have all of the fun?  I say we start meat curtaining people.

Friend:  HAHAHAHAHAH!  Right?!  Let’s do it.

Me:  Yeah, we can get a chair, stand behind them and position ourselves so all you see is a nose.

Peek-a-boo
Friend:  GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YO!
My friend and I must have been talking and laughing a bit too obnoxiously, because when Hubby heard the words “meat curtains” come out of my mouth, he immediately stopped what he was doing, calmly walked over to me, gently grabbed my arm, and sternly told me it was definitely time for bed. 
 
That’s it.  Party over.
 
Geez.   You’d think that he thought I might actually go through with it or something. 
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Are You There God? It’s Me, Dumbass

26 Jul

Due to a nasty storm which resulted in hail damage, the house is getting new siding.  I’m excited, but due to my almost constant state of annoyance, the whole things has been a bit….annoying.

I had worked myself up into an annoyed tizzy just thinking about it while watering my flowers the other morning when I heard a buzzing in my ear.  Thinking it was a bee getting ready to fly into my ear, have millions of bee babies that would sting my brain, and then all fly out my nose after killing me, I instinctively swatted it away.  I used the same hand I was holding the garden hose in.  I ended up spraying myself in the face:

Nice

I looked around to make sure no one *clear throat* Hubby saw that.  I was in the clear, and so continued to water the plants.

I was giving the rose-bush in front of our diningroom window a good soaking when I noticed that the shutters could use a fresh coat of paint.  “I wonder if they would paint the shutters when they replace the siding”, I wondered….out loud. 

*SIDE NOTE:  I talk to myself…a lot.  It’s not really talking to myself.  It’s more like thinking out loud.  The problem is that I tend to ramble.  Imagine what that looks like to a normal person.  A bit cray-cray.

Just then I heard a soft muffled voice say something like,  “I can’t believe this.”  The voice sounded distant.  The neighbors must have had their radio on or something.  Oh well.

I was working my way to the flowers at the back of the house when the hose got knotted on something.  That put me over the edge:

SON OF A BITCH! I hate this g-damn hose!  Why does it always get knotted?!  You would think they would have invented something that stops hose knots.  Actually, they probably have something at Home Depot.  I should look the next time I go.  I think we need AA batteries, too.  And, I think they have a sale on charcoal.  I’ll have to call mom.  She always knows when there’s a sale on something.

My tirade was interrupted when I was startled by “the voice”.  This time the voice was a little less muffled.  It sounded like it was coming from my butt.  Maybe I had butt dialed someone? I panicked at the thought of having gotten my phone wet.  I reached for my back pocket (wait for it)  with the hand holding the hose.  Good news:  My phone was in the house.  Bad news:  My face and my ass were totally soaked. 

The voice:  How long?….Again?  Seriously?

Me:  Hello?  Hubby?

The voice:  …..all day.  Moron. 

Me:  Whatever!  I’m almost done watering the plants.  Keep your pants on…for now. *chuckle*

The voice:  What?

Me:  Did you go to the store yet?  Can you check if there’s something that prevents garden hose knots?  I’ve been having technical difficulties out here.

The voice:  Hello?  Ma’am?

Me:  (Confused)  Hello?

The voice:  Hello?  I’m up here. 

Just then I looked up to see a man sitting on our very steep roof and a very looooong ladder laying on the ground with my garden hose knotted around it.   Then, I realized that it was Saturday.  The insurance adjuster was coming on Saturday to survey the damage on the roof and siding.  He was coming early, was going to climb up, inspect the roof, and leave.  We wouldn’t even notice he was there.

Me:  (Mortified.  Staring straight ahead.)  Hiiiiiiiiiiii.  You must be Tom from the insurance company?

The voice:  Yeah.

Me:   I suppose you need this ladder to get down?

The voice:  Yeah.  I do.

Me:  How long….

The voice:  A couple of hours.  I hoped to get your attention when I saw you come out to water the plants, but….

Me:  Soooooo…you saw?

The voice: (beyond annoyed and terrified by the crazy lady who talks to herself) Can you just get the ladder, Ma’am?

Thankfully, (for Tom) we haven’t had to deal with each other since that day.  When Hubby asked me why he was suddenly fielding the calls from Tom the Insurance Adjuster, I just told him that Tom was probably being sexist and would rather deal with “the man of the house.” 

Hubby’s not buying it.

The Importance of a Safe Word

27 Jun

Someone found my blog by searching “spanking nipple twisting your girlfriend”. 

Interesting. 

First of all, although I don’t mind a firm smack to the ass in the right situation, I’m not a fan of rough sex.  Scratch that.  I’m not a fan of the nipple twist/pinch. 

My safe word is "Back the F&*K off, F*$&ER."

I’m reminded of an interesting story that happened to a “friend” 

*giggle*

Let me skip to the moral of the story:

Guys, when a woman says she likes it rough, always, always, always, start things off with a gentle nipple pinch.  She’ll let you know right away with either a coy laugh or a punch to the nuts what she means by “rough”.

There’s no need to thank me.

In Your Dreams

10 May

This part of my post should be read out loud in a voice and tone that sounds as though you are trying to keep the person behind you from hearing what you’re saying.

Hi:

I want to keep everyone in the loop of what’s been going on in my life lately. Basically, it’s finals time and I’m freaking out.  So, I want to apologize for neglecting the blogs I follow.  I can’t wait to dive in once things calm down a little. 

Also, as my OCD-tendencies will not permit me to not post even though I’m extremely busy and should be doing something else as I type this, posts will be light in content for the next few days.  I apologize in advance for any personal turmoil this may cause you.

That being said, here’s a snippet of a conversation I had with Hubby yesterday:

Hubby:  What’s wrong with you?  You’ve been crabby all day.

Me:  Oh, nothing.  Just stressed about finals, I guess.

Hubby:  No, you’ve been pissy towards me, in particular.  What’s the deal?

Me:  Noth—

Hubby:  Don’t say nothing.

Me:  Fine.  I had a dream last night in which you were a huge a-hole. 

Hubby:  Geeeeezussss!  Not again.  You realize it was just a dream, right?

Me:  I know.  It’s just that you were extremely a-hole-ish. 

Hubby:  It didn’t really happen. 

Me:  Fine.  Forget it.

Hubby:  Knock it off.

Me:  (Crazy person silence)

Hubby:  (Loudly shakes the newspaper he’s been reading and then slams it down).  I’m sorry!  I’m sorry I was mean to you in your dream even though it didn’t really happen and it’s all in your head.  Happy?

Me:  Thanks, love.  I forgive you.

Hubby:  You know…I had a dream last night that you really wanted to give me a BJ.

Me:  There it is.

One Hundred Eighty Degrees of IN YO’ FACE!

11 Apr

Git Down Wit Da Git Down!

 
Uh huh!  That’s right! Oh yeah!  Can you feel that?!  *Obnoxious high-speed back-breaking pelvic thrusts*
I won the 360 vs. 180 Degree War of the Ages!  I knew you would see things my way.  I love you guys.  I’m totally going to get this tear running down my cheek tattooed on my face in your honor.

Something like this.

For those of you who voted in favor of Hubby’s 360 degree argument, let me explain it this way.  If I were a good sport I wouldn’t be gloating about being  RIGHT.  Therefore, acting like a grown up about this WIN would be a 180 degree difference from my usual a-hole personality.   So, in your face!

An Eternal Philosophical Question

8 Apr

I need your help settling a long-standing debate between Hubby and I.

In order to remain as neutral as possible, I will not tell you my position in this matter.  I will leave the final decision up to you, and will concede to your decision (as long as I agree with it….just kidding…..no, I’m not.)

The other day Hubby and I ran into an old friend who, for years, had been a complete burnout.  He is a very nice person, but he just didn’t have much ambition in life.  Well, we didn’t even recognize him.   He was wearing a suit and tie.  He was also with a really pretty (and clean) woman who is a departure from the class acts he’s dated in the past.  Some of his ex’s include an exotic dancer who dropped the f-bomb approximately 50 times in a five-minute conversation, a woman who I’m pretty sure could get pregnant by just looking at a penis and had the kids to prove it, and a woman who beat him up.

______:  It was really nice to see him!  Did you see that girl he was with?

______:   Yeah.  I didn’t even recognize him without his Jesus beard.

______:  I know!  And, he carries business cards.  Faaaaaancy.

______:  It’s like he’s done a complete 360.

______:  I’m really happy for him.  You mean 180.  

______:   Where did he say he works?  It’s 360, like a complete circle.

______:   He works at a place that sells medical equipment to assisted living facilities.  It’s 180.

______:  It’s 360.  As in, he’s done a complete turnaround.

______:  Nooooo, 180, as in, he’s the complete opposite of what he used to be.  The opposite of burnout is professional. 

______:  He’s completely turned his life around.  A complete circle is 360 degrees.

______: He used to live in Burnoutsville. Now, he’s living in Classygirlfriendwood.  180 degrees.

______:  Whatever.  I’m right.

______: (mumbles almost inaudibly) It’s 180.

______: 360.

Choose carefully.  Do some research if needed.  I need to be right on this one.  If you determine that Hubby is right I will never hear the end of it, and may need to stab pencils in my ears to muffle the sound of “IN YOUR FACE!”. 

Workin’ It- The Importance of Recovery Time

5 Apr

 *What follows is a conversation between husband and wife regarding sexy time.  If you would rather that your virgin eyes remain in your virginal head, STOP HERE. 

Me:  Sounds like you’ve shaken that cold.

Hubby:  Yeah, this one really wiped me out.

Me:  I noticed.  You’ve gone to bed early every night this week. 

Hubby:  I know.  The NyQuil knocked me out.  I didn’t even need your girly bits to fall asleep.

Me:  *giggle*  That’s ok, my vage needs a break once in a while.

Hubby:  (Sarcastic disbelief) Really?  Your vage needs a break?

Me:  It gets tired if it works out too much.   Picture a Richard Simmons video where my vage is sweating to the oldies.  It needs to recover.

Hubby:  NO, DMTF!  I will not picture your vage as Richard Simmons!!!

 
*A moment of silence while I check an incoming text message*

Me:  Ok, picture…

Hubby:  I KNEW IT!

Me:  …listen, picture my vage wearing a sweatband and workout gear.

Hubby:  I don’t know what you mean.

Workin' It

Can you see it, now?  Do you see how hard it’s working?  Recovery time is important in avoiding injury. 

P.S.:  I’d like to thank my mom for reading this blog.  I will miss her as I know this is the last blog entry she will ever read.