Tag Archives: scary

What? Wednesday- Who Run the World?

29 Jun

 I love Beyoncé.  I’ve watched this video for Beyoncé’s “Who Run the World” many, many, many times. 

I also love Cubby very, very much.

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Your Kid is a Genius? That’s….Yeah, I Don’t Care

28 Jun

My sister is currently searching for the perfect preschool for my nephew.  Can I tell you how crazy this task has been for her?  Did you know that your kid can get rejected from preschool?! 

Let me just say that if that were the case when I was in preschool, I would have been screwed.  I don’t think any preschools would have been jumping at the chance to admit a tall, skinny, scabby-kneed, coke-bottle glasses wearing, hair chewing weirdo who often talked to herself and laughed at her own jokes (that hasn’t changed).

The only thing crazier than filling out a 10 page application for a French immersion preschool that serves only organic snacks with vegan options and costs the same as my Son’s private school tuition, are the cray-cray parents vying to get their kids in.

My sister recently attended an Open House for a local baby Yale where she overheard some crazy s*&t

Parent #1:  My child taught himself how to read and write.

Do ya think he could help me wit dis here formz? Der bee a lot of dem fancy wordz and gobbledygook I caint figger out.

Parent #2:  My son was speaking in complete sentences at 9 months.

Really?  What did your baby have to say at 9 months?  Did he tell you, in an English accent, that he appreciates your nipple hair because it meant he could floss immediately after nursing? 

Parent # 3:  My daughter was walking at 8 months.  She currently plays on the Toddler Olympic Soccer Team (she really said this).

Funny.  You don’t look Asian, but “The Toddler Olympic Soccer Team” must be code for Chinese gymnastic team. 

Parent #5:  My child can speak three languages.

Yeah?  Well, your kid is picking his nose right now….and he just ate it.

Parent #6: My twins can read each other’s thoughts.  It’s amazing.

I can read their thoughts, too.  They’re thinking you’re a nerd who is going to raise them to be nerds.  They say, “Thanks a lot.”

Parent #7:  My son has been playing the violin since he could walk.

That’s nice.  My son can thrash on the drums.  He’s going to be way cooler than your kid and will probably sleep  with your son’s girlfriend someday.

Needless to say, my sister’s search for the perfect preschool continues.

Summer is….Precious

16 Jun
It’s a beautiful day in Wisconsin.  I’m wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. 
 
At lunch, I went outside to get some fresh air and stretch.  As I bent over to stretch my back and touch my toes, I noticed that in the bright afternoon sunlight I could clearly see a stray hair on my big toe.  (If you don’t have this problem and can’t relate, you’re perfect and I don’t think we can be friends.)
 
Normally, I wouldn’t care, and would just take care of it when I got home.  However, after work I’m heading straight to a parent meeting at Son’s school where I will most likely be sitting next to Mrs. Manicured-Pedicured-Real Coach Purse-Escalade-McPriss. You know the type.
 
So, being the McGyver McGruber I am, I made a bee line for my tape dispenser and applied several strips of tape to the problem area. 
 
Nothing.  It didn’t even hurt.
 
Naturally, I moved on to the packing tape.   That stuff is heavy-duty and sticky.  
 
Nope.  Nada.
 
At this point I started to panic a little because I really didn’t want to go this parent meeting with hobbit feet. 
 

Classy

 
Just then, I remembered I had a band-aid in my purse. 
 
♪♫Awwwwwwesooooooome!♪♫
 
Everyone knows that a band-aid can rip the s*!t out of your hair/skin. 
 
It totally worked.  And it really hurt.
 
P.S.  Why didn’t I  just cover my toe with the band-aid?  Because I’m much to classy to walk around with a band-aid on my foot.  Sheesh. 

R.I.P. Manny Lopes

14 Jun

There was a homicide in Milwaukee the other night.  Homicide is not funny.    I realize this.  But…

Hubby sent me a text message early Monday morning which read:

Manny Lopes killed @ eastside bar early Sun a.m.  Was a musician. early 30s.  Weird.

My heart sank.  My brother-in-law’s best friend’s name is Manny.  He has two young children.  He plays the drums.  Occasionally, he’ll check out local bands at area bars. 

I immediately called my sister and left the following message:

Hi!  Sorry for calling so early.  What am I saying?  You have two kids.  Of course you’re up.  Anywho, got a strange text from Hubby this morning.  I guess someone named Manny Lopez was shot at an Eastside bar last night.  He’s in his early 30s, has two kids, is a musician.  Weird, right?  You don’t think it’s N’s (her husband) friend, do you?  Anyway, call me when you get this. 

Also, I need my cake stand back.  I think I’m going to make bakery-pretty cupcakes tonight.  Treats always look prettier sitting on a cake stand. 

I then went about my day and headed to work.  I soon noticed I had 3 missed calls from my sister and thought, “She can’t find the cake stand.”, but then remembered about Manny.  Oops.  I thought I had better call her back. 

Sis:  Hello?

Me:  Hi!  What’s up?

Sis:  What do you mean, what’s up?  I’ve been trying to call you about Manny all morning.  Where did you hear about it?

Me:  Hubby texted me this a.m.  Do you think it’s him?

Sis:  I hope not.  I’ve been Googling it all morning and can’t find anything.  What are the chances, though?  Same name, occupation, I feel sick.   I have your cake stand by the way.  You should’ve taken it when you were here this weekend.

Me:  I totally forgot about it until I decided I was going to try to make beautiful cupcakes.  Bakery pretty.  Don’t tell N until you know for sure. 

Sis: I already left N a message.  That’s him on the other line.  Making pretty cupcakes requires patience.  You will fail.  I’ll call you back.  I’ll call you back. 

At lunch, I call her back.

Me:  Sooooo.  What did you find out?

Sis:  Nothing!  I can’t find anything about the shooting online.  N called back.  He’s really worried.  He’s called Manny about 100 times and there’s no answer.  His wife doesn’t answer, either.  I feel sick.

Me:  Let me check Facebook.  If anyone knows anything it will be all over Facebook.  I want to make the frosting for the cupcakes from scratch.  Buttercream.  Mmmmmm.  I’ll call you back.

Later that afternoon, she calls me back:

Sis:  What the H?!  You were suppose to call me back.

Me:  I’m at work.  I got busy. (I got totally sidetracked searching online for a really delicious buttercream frosting recipe).

Sis:  Check now.  I’ll hold.

Me:  Damn it!  We’re not friends on Facebook.  I can’t see his page. He has a really cute profile picture, though.

Sis:  What does that mean?!  You know I don’t have Facebook.

Me:  You should really get it.  You don’t have to friend people you don’t want to.  You can friend just family if you want.  People only read what you put on there.  Besides, there are pictures of you all over Facebook anyway.  You might as well join.

Sis:  It’s the principal.  I just use N’s.  I gotta go.  The baby is stuck under the couch.

The minute I walk in the door from work I give Hubby the third degree about where he got his information.  What time? What channel?  Why is he listening to that station?  They’re morons.  I’m making cupcakes.  I want them to be very pretty.  I’m going to take my time.  Make my own frosting.  Doesn’t that sound sooo good?

After spending about an hour on my bakery-pretty cupcakes, I check my phone.  One missed call, and a voicemail message:

Hi.  How are the cupcakes going?  *snicker* So, just wanted to let you know that Manny Lopez is alive and well.  He and his family were at the zoo all day. Make sure you send your Hubby my thanks for the heart attack he gave us.  Geez.  *chuckle* I gotta go.  I can hear the baby, but I can’t see him.  He’s probably stuck under the couch, again.

I hesitantly check my text message from earlier that morning:

Manny Lopes killed @ eastside bar early Sun a.m.  Was a musician. early 30s.  Weird.

 Oops.  My bad. Let me make it up to you, Sis.

Soooooooory.

What? Wednesday- Wild Man Cat Found on Subway

18 May

Back story (as made up by yours truly):  This guy thinks he’s a cat- a wild man cat.  He goes by the name of Muffins, and purrs when you shake his hand.   He also poops in a man-sized litter box.  He buys his litter in bulk.

Don’t worry, though.  He’s a classy man cat, and refuses to give himself a man cat bath in public.

But, he will clean his shoe.

Video via Buzzfeed.

Someone Else’s Junk Is Pretty Much Still Junk

16 May

Old people love other people’s things.  Wuelita‘s building has plastic bins in the lobby where people can bring their thrift store donations.  The local thrift store is supposed to then send someone over to collect the donations once a week.  I’m pretty sure that they’ve never had to come.  As soon as someone brings something down, someone else is right there picking it up and hauling it back to their own apartment. 

Wuelita and I were watching her favorite novela at her apartment the other day when I suggested we go out to get something to eat.  Before we left she  shuffled over to the television, followed the cord to the outlet on the wall and gently unplugged it.  I knew right then that the television must have been one of her “finds” at the thrift store donation bins.  I gave her a hard time about it: 

Me:  Let me guess.  You found that TV downstairs?

Wuelita:  Jes!  Can joo be leeb it?!  It’s bran new. Dee only ting wrong is dat it don turn off.

Me:  Umm, you have to unplug it to turn it off and there’s no remote.  Can you even adjust the volume?  Also, how did you get that thing up here?

Wuelita: (laughs).  My fren Esteve/Kiley.

Me:  Steve and Kiley?  Who are they? 

Wuelita:   No “day”.  Eets Esteve/Kiley.  Juan pear-son.

Me:  What kind of name is Steve/Kiley?  Is his first name Steve and last name Kiley? 

Wuelita:  Nooooo.  Es sometimes Esteve and sometimes Kiley.  Any whey, let’s go.  I’m es starving.

As we are walked down the hallway to the elevator I noticed a rather large woman in a house coat and slippers struggling to carry a laundry basket. 

Me:  Let me help you with that.

Old Lady:  (deep Barry White voice)  Why thank you dear.  I’m right down the hall by your grandmother.  (Waves to Wuelita).

You must be Esteve/Kiley

 Wuelita:  Hi !  Joo look beddy preedy too-day.  Do joo like dee lipsteek I buy for joo?

Old Lady:  (very, very excited deep Barry White voice) Oh yes!  Thank you so much, dear.

I dropped the basket off at “Kiley’s” door and ran walked back to the elevator where Wuelita was waiting.   I could hear her giggling as I turned the corner. 

Me:  That must have been Kiley?

Wuelita:  (devilishly laughing) 

Me:  You could have warned me. 

Wuelita:  Why?  Den eets not phone-y. 

Me:  Yeah, well, I was going to take you to Goodwill after lunch to look around.  Now, forget it. 

Wuelita:  (Bent over her cane, tears streaming down her face, victoriously laughing)

Touché, Wuelita.  Touché.

There’s Definitely a Limit to My “Greenness”

12 May

I was sitting in class the other night, slamming my coffee, and struggling to keep my heightened level of annoyance in check when my classmate passed me this note:

Suicide Note

My heart immediately went out to her.  The only thing that could make this round of finals any worse would be f-in period cramps. *shudder*

As I frantically searched my backpack for a tampon my mind wandered (obviously) to a Google Search I once conducted entitled “green alternatives to feminine hygiene products”:

1.  The Diva Cup  is inserted into the vagina, collects the menstrual flow, and can be used up to 12 hours and then removed after being full. The menstrual cup is easily washed.

PERFECT!  I love to clean when I have my period! Although I would prefer to do everyone else’s dirty dishes (and laundry, and cleaning, and vacuuming) when Aunt Flo is in town, I would love to also have to wash my period cup!  Is it dishwasher safe? Do I use the pots and pan cycle?

2.  The Jade and Pearl Sea Sponge Tampon is a natural sponge from the ocean that is inserted like a regular tampon. They are highly absorbable and reusable so you can remove, wash it, and re-insert again many times.

Nice!  Having faint inducing cramps and feeling as inflated as a hot air balloon sparks my domestic goddess flame.  Wash my tampon for reuse?  AWESOME! (Pause for Sponge Bob Square Pants/Carrie visual.)

3.  The Sckoon Organic Cotton Cloth Menstrual Pads are reusable pads made of organic cotton that was not bleached or produced with the help of other harmful chemicals. They are also easy on your pocket because they can be used many times after proper washing and care.

Oh, pretty!  They come in such lovely patterns.  I’m sure they’ll look just like new after every wash.  Am I right, ladies?!

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a tampon for my friend.  But, I did share my Google search story which I thought was pretty funny. 

Her?  Not so much.

What? Wednesday- Yes Sir, That’s My Baby!

4 May

A couple of things to look for:

  • 0:38- Please resist the urge to fist bump that moose knuckle.  You’ll hurt your hand.
  • 1:50- You’re welcome.

Thanks, Buzz Feed?

What? Wednesday- It Puts the Lotion in the Basket

20 Apr

I often get asked the question, “What the hell were you thinking?!”


Now, you know.

All Hail The Queen

8 Apr

Hiya!

Do you notice anything different about me? 

I’m wearing a new dress, silly.  I bought it for my coronation.  Coronation of what, you ask?  My coronation as QUEEN OF MOTHER F-IN APRIL FOOLS DAY, BEOTHES!

The world has spoken (by “world” I mean the 15 of you who voted)!  My April Fools Day joke was hilarious.  Thank you for agreeing.

Also, thank you for reading the blog.  As always, I appreciate your time.

Don’t forget to like my royal page on Facebook, follow the queen on Twitter (I’ll follow you back), and subscribe to Don’t Make That Face. 

Her Royal Highness,

DMTF