Tag Archives: snl

Pees Say It Ain’t So

8 Mar
 I recently read this hilarious post about a woman who didn’t realize she’d been sitting on a pee-soaked movie theater seat for 2 hours.  Unfortunately, I can relate.

I was at Summerfest  a few years ago, and decided to wait in line for a fancy public restroom toilet rather than use a disgustingly overused port-a-potty.

I usually go through a public restroom sanitation routine that includes kicking the stall door open, giving the toilet a courtesy flush with my foot, gingerly layering three layers of toilet paper on the toilet seat, and squatting over the seat as low as my underworked quads allow.  However, this was Summerfest.  I was a bit tipsy.  I really needed to go, and there was no time to mess around.  Not to mention, I had  just spent the past twenty minutes drunkenly complaining, with a group of equally drunk women, about how long people were taking to pee, and bragging that I could be in and out in less than two minutes. 

Finally, a stall opened up.  I prepared for the burn in my quads as I squatted as close to the seat as possible.

Feel the burn.

I was in position when all of a sudden a sneeze snuck up on me and knocked me off -balance. What happened next happened slow motion Matrix style. 

With my shorts around my ankles, I frantically tried to regain my balance without falling onto the toilet paper-less seat.  There  I was, bare-assed and drunk, my left foot raised, my arms flayling in really quick, really small arm circles, and my eyes open wide with terror.  As I went down my fingers grazed the top of the feminine napkin waste container (EWWWWWW!),  and the stall walls (GROSS!).  In a matter of seconds I was sitting, bewildered, on a cold, damp, wet toilet seat.  Readers, someone else’s pee was touching my butt. 

 

DIS. GUST. ING.

Although I continued to drink, I didn’t use the bathroom for the rest of the night.  I did end up peeing my pants a little on the way home, but it was my pee.  Not so gross.  Right?

Show Me, Show Me, Show Me How You Do That Trick

8 Feb

I had a different post all set to go today, but after watching the following skit from Saturday’s SNL, I’ve decided to stick with the Super Bowl theme just a little longer.  

The skit is hilarious for many reasons.  First, imagine this happening at your neighborhood bar on Super Bowl Sunday (it wasn’t a coincidence they chose Packer fans).  Secondly, everything about this band screams The Cure and even though the song is supposed to be about the Super Bowl, the lyrics sound like they were written by Robert Smith using black eyeliner and blood red lipstick.   Finally, it’s Dana Carvey, and I forgot how funny he is:

I Love Rock ‘n Roll, Put Another Lime In the Juicebox Baby.

31 Jan

The following SNL skit from this weekend reminded of something:

I can totally school Hubby when it comes to song lyrics! I love to bring this up every chance I get because we’re insanely competitive.  Unfortunately, the list of things I can kick his ass in is pretty short.  It includes:

  1. Trivia Pursuit.
  2. B.J.’s.
  3. Not completely screwing up song lyrics.

Here are a few of  my favorite song lyrics according to Hubby:

Kool and the Gang “Celebration”  

Actual lyrics:  Celebrate good times, come on!

Hubby lyrics:     Celebration time, humm, hummm!

Katy Perry “Firework”  

Actual lyrics:  Cause baby you’re a firework.  Come on show ’em what your worth.  Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”.  As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Hubby lyrics:  Baby you’re the fireworks.  Come on and show ’em walls a worth.  Make ’em go-g0-go.  As they shoot across my eye-y-y.

“Happy Birthday”

Actual lyrics: Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday dear DMTF.  Happy Birthday to you.

*Hubby lyrics:  Happy birfday, *hiccup* to you.  Haffy *burp* umph youuuuuu.  Haffy bermfdaaaaa I lob you soooo mush.  *kisses my eye* Haffy I’m really drunk.

So Hubby, you may have beaten me at that game of Mario Kart this weekend, but I think you would agree that I’m the master of song lyrics.  So, suck it!

*This one doesn’t really count because it was at my last birthday party and we were both a little tipsy, but you get the idea.