Tag Archives: snake

Is That A Snake In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

29 Mar

I lost my keys the other day.  It was very frustrating because my husband had the other set with him at work, and I was stuck at home.  I found them under the couch cushion two days later.  That sucked. 

I also once lost $20.  I didn’t even know it was missing.  I found it when I was switching purses.  That was awesome. 

You know what I probably wouldn’t lose?  A deadly Egyptian Cobra

It’s my understanding that the snake is still on the loose.  Before I offer the zookeepers at the Bronx Zoo my suggestions of where to look for the missing snake, I have to ask a couple of questions. 

First, are you sure that you’re missing a snake?   I’m serious.  I imagine snakes are hard to count.  They get intertwined and their heads look like their butts.  Miscounting the number of snakes is just as likely as actually losing onePlease recount. 

Second, was it a man or a woman who confirmed that the snake was missing?  I ask this because if male zookeepers are anything like males in general, it is possible that the snake was sitting right in front of the male zookeeper’s face.  The only way the male zookeeper would have known the snake was there was if the snake would have bitten him.  Literally.

Yoo-hoo! Like, here I am.

 Ok.  After you’ve recounted, and Sally the zookeeper confirms the snake is in fact missing, here are my suggestions of what to do next:

  1. You should call that slutty little ho’bag that stole my boyfriend in 8th grade.  She’s a snake; she might know where to look.
  2. Look for a chick hanging out by a tree trying to feed her boyfriend an apple.  The snake may be hiding out there. 
  3. He’s not in my husband’s pants.  I checked last night.  The only thing in there was a trouser snake!  Ya-cha-cha! *jazz hands*
  4. The missing cobra is on Twitter (he’s hilarious).  Has anyone bothered to look for a snake using a computer or on a smartphone?  Come on people!

The good people of New York shouldn’t worry, though.  I heard the snake will eventually reappear…when it gets hungry or thirsty.

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Appetite for Some Guns…And Roses.

23 Feb

You should know that I’m a huge Guns N’ Roses fan.  In fact, if I ever get another tattoo, I’m pretty sure it would be of some guns…. and some roses.  I might also add a snake curling around the gun  barrels or a dolphin jumping out of the ocean over the guns…and roses.  Please don’t steal my idea.  It’s rude to get the same tattoo as someone else unless it’s the Chinese symbol for what you think is “best friends” but really means “dumbass”.

Juan fits into my What? Wednesday theme because you wouldn’t expect Axl Roses’s voice to come out of this guy.  Also, his name is Juan.

He’s good.  He wouldn’t want to go up against a drunk DMTF on karaoke night at the local dive bar, but I give him props.