Tag Archives: gross

Pees Say It Ain’t So

8 Mar
 I recently read this hilarious post about a woman who didn’t realize she’d been sitting on a pee-soaked movie theater seat for 2 hours.  Unfortunately, I can relate.

I was at Summerfest  a few years ago, and decided to wait in line for a fancy public restroom toilet rather than use a disgustingly overused port-a-potty.

I usually go through a public restroom sanitation routine that includes kicking the stall door open, giving the toilet a courtesy flush with my foot, gingerly layering three layers of toilet paper on the toilet seat, and squatting over the seat as low as my underworked quads allow.  However, this was Summerfest.  I was a bit tipsy.  I really needed to go, and there was no time to mess around.  Not to mention, I had  just spent the past twenty minutes drunkenly complaining, with a group of equally drunk women, about how long people were taking to pee, and bragging that I could be in and out in less than two minutes. 

Finally, a stall opened up.  I prepared for the burn in my quads as I squatted as close to the seat as possible.

Feel the burn.

I was in position when all of a sudden a sneeze snuck up on me and knocked me off -balance. What happened next happened slow motion Matrix style. 

With my shorts around my ankles, I frantically tried to regain my balance without falling onto the toilet paper-less seat.  There  I was, bare-assed and drunk, my left foot raised, my arms flayling in really quick, really small arm circles, and my eyes open wide with terror.  As I went down my fingers grazed the top of the feminine napkin waste container (EWWWWWW!),  and the stall walls (GROSS!).  In a matter of seconds I was sitting, bewildered, on a cold, damp, wet toilet seat.  Readers, someone else’s pee was touching my butt. 

 

DIS. GUST. ING.

Although I continued to drink, I didn’t use the bathroom for the rest of the night.  I did end up peeing my pants a little on the way home, but it was my pee.  Not so gross.  Right?

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Be-otch Better Have My Pancake.

21 Feb

Things have a tendency to snowball out of control at my house.  For example:

Hubby:   Takeo is trying really hard to not get busted watching you eat that pancake. 

Me:   I know.  I can feel him watching me and every time I look at him he turns his head up to the ceiling and starts whistling.

Hubby:  TAKEO!  Quit being such a food whore!  Go lay down!

Pissed Off and Pouty

Me:   Haha.  Food whore.  I like that.  He’s such a food ho. 

Hubby:  I know.  He’d probably eat that chewed up pancake right out of your mouth if you let him.

   **blink, blink.**

Moments later I have a big chuck of syrup smothered semi-chewed pancake in my mouth.  Takeo has eaten various foods from our mouths before (cheese, potato chips, orange slices) but they’ve always been sticking out of our mouths anchored by our teeth making it more of a food grab

This time was different because the pancake would be sitting in my mouth, and on my tounge requiring Takeo to essentially french kiss me in order to get his pancake.

I got into position at the end of the couch, and opened my mouth letting him smell the maple syrup goodness.  This was the most difficult part of the experiement because I was trying not to laugh or choke on the pancake.  Meanwhile, Hubby coaxed Takeo with gentle coos

“Go on, Tiki.  Get the pancake.  You can have it.  Go ahead.”

I can see the confusion in Takeo’s eyes as they quickly move from the ball-o-pancake in my mouth to my eyes and back again.  He couldn’t believe this was really happening.  He could literally smell just how close he was to the syrup drenched mother f-in pancake.

“Go ahead, Tik.  You can have the pancake”, Hubby sang.

Takeo slowly inched closer to my open mouth, extending his nose to the tips of my lips.  At this point, I have tears running down my cheeks from the pain and joy of laughing without being able to close my mouth. 

Just when I think I’m about  to lose it, Takeo leans in, and for a split second he looks me dead in the eyes as if saying, “I’m doing this.  I’m a food ho.  There is no rock bottom for me  What’s your excuse?”.  Then, he makes his move: 

Gross?   A little bit.  Deliciously hilarious?  Definitely.