Tag Archives: yuck

Hows ‘Bout a Cup A Tea, Gub-ner?

28 Jul

Do you know what you get when you put a bunch of drunk adults who are on vacation, camping, after having spent the entire day at the lake, their stomachs full, and the kids asleep? 

Besides a few who refuse to quit (quitting is for losers), and end up passed out on their camping chair with their mouths open, you get a bunch of drunkies who’ve reverted backed to their 16-year-old selves, and who think that tea bagging those poor passed out souls is hilaaaaaaaaarious.

Pinkies up, ladies and gents

 But, you also get the deep thinkers, like myself, who watch these drunken shenanigans and think, how can we make this better

I leaned over to my friend and in my completely inebriated state said:

Me:  Why do the guys get to have all of the fun?  I say we start meat curtaining people.

Friend:  HAHAHAHAHAH!  Right?!  Let’s do it.

Me:  Yeah, we can get a chair, stand behind them and position ourselves so all you see is a nose.

Peek-a-boo
Friend:  GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YO!
My friend and I must have been talking and laughing a bit too obnoxiously, because when Hubby heard the words “meat curtains” come out of my mouth, he immediately stopped what he was doing, calmly walked over to me, gently grabbed my arm, and sternly told me it was definitely time for bed. 
 
That’s it.  Party over.
 
Geez.   You’d think that he thought I might actually go through with it or something. 

I Scream, You Scream We All…Back Dat Ass Up

25 Jul

On Friday night Hubby and I decided to meet Drama at his favorite bar for a few drinks after work before we went to dinner.  Drama’s been working some really long hours so we didn’t think we’d be there long.

Three hours, a bowl of peanuts, three staggering trips to the bathroom, and several drinks later, the three of us are loudly and obnoxiously discussing our favorite of Drama’s ex-girlfriends.  Hubby voted for the woman who used to scream into the phone when she would call, “IS DRAMA THERE?!!!”.  We used to joke that she must be deaf. Then, we found out she really was partially deaf.  Awkward.

My pick was the woman who used to drive the low rider ice cream truck complete with spinning rims, and a noise ordinance-breaking sound system:

She would drive around town in this pimped out ice cream truck while blasting songs such as “Back Dat Ass Up” and Kelis’s “Milkshake“.  But, wait.  It gets classier.  She used to have a penchant for thong underwear, and if some kid was lucky enough to order the Sponge Bob Square Pants popsicle, he would also receive a up close and personal view of most of her ass crack.  It was like two treats for the price of one.   

I digress.

Drama’s newest interest is a woman he works with.  According to him she is beautiful, nice, and funny.  The problem?  We’re not sure if she’s a man or a woman.  You see, the rumor at Drama’s work is that this woman is a cross dresser.  No problem. 

Using Drama’s experience with classy women and my experience with tranny’s we came up with the following comprehensive “Chick or Dick” checklist which we wrote out on a bar napkin.  Keep in mind that Drama can’t get a up close look at this woman because he heard in the last sexual harassment prevention class that getting too close can be “creepy”:

  1. Tell a funny (not dirty) joke.  Does she responded with a Geisha-like giggle or Santa Clause belly chuckle?
  2. Do her hands appear soft and delicate or are you looking at gnarly sausage  fingers?
  3. Is there ever any adjustment of a “package”?

That’s it.  That’s all we got.

I was going to call Drama this morning and tell him he should just follow her to the bathroom, but I decided against it.  I’m curious to see whether or not our Chick or Dick checklist works.  I’ll keep you posted.

P.S.  I missed you guys.

What? Wednesday- Wild Man Cat Found on Subway

18 May

Back story (as made up by yours truly):  This guy thinks he’s a cat- a wild man cat.  He goes by the name of Muffins, and purrs when you shake his hand.   He also poops in a man-sized litter box.  He buys his litter in bulk.

Don’t worry, though.  He’s a classy man cat, and refuses to give himself a man cat bath in public.

But, he will clean his shoe.

Video via Buzzfeed.

There’s Definitely a Limit to My “Greenness”

12 May

I was sitting in class the other night, slamming my coffee, and struggling to keep my heightened level of annoyance in check when my classmate passed me this note:

Suicide Note

My heart immediately went out to her.  The only thing that could make this round of finals any worse would be f-in period cramps. *shudder*

As I frantically searched my backpack for a tampon my mind wandered (obviously) to a Google Search I once conducted entitled “green alternatives to feminine hygiene products”:

1.  The Diva Cup  is inserted into the vagina, collects the menstrual flow, and can be used up to 12 hours and then removed after being full. The menstrual cup is easily washed.

PERFECT!  I love to clean when I have my period! Although I would prefer to do everyone else’s dirty dishes (and laundry, and cleaning, and vacuuming) when Aunt Flo is in town, I would love to also have to wash my period cup!  Is it dishwasher safe? Do I use the pots and pan cycle?

2.  The Jade and Pearl Sea Sponge Tampon is a natural sponge from the ocean that is inserted like a regular tampon. They are highly absorbable and reusable so you can remove, wash it, and re-insert again many times.

Nice!  Having faint inducing cramps and feeling as inflated as a hot air balloon sparks my domestic goddess flame.  Wash my tampon for reuse?  AWESOME! (Pause for Sponge Bob Square Pants/Carrie visual.)

3.  The Sckoon Organic Cotton Cloth Menstrual Pads are reusable pads made of organic cotton that was not bleached or produced with the help of other harmful chemicals. They are also easy on your pocket because they can be used many times after proper washing and care.

Oh, pretty!  They come in such lovely patterns.  I’m sure they’ll look just like new after every wash.  Am I right, ladies?!

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a tampon for my friend.  But, I did share my Google search story which I thought was pretty funny. 

Her?  Not so much.

What? Wednesday- Yes Sir, That’s My Baby!

4 May

A couple of things to look for:

  • 0:38- Please resist the urge to fist bump that moose knuckle.  You’ll hurt your hand.
  • 1:50- You’re welcome.

Thanks, Buzz Feed?

What? Wednesday- It Puts the Lotion in the Basket

20 Apr

I often get asked the question, “What the hell were you thinking?!”


Now, you know.

A Fish Fry, Crab Legs and a Nut Brush

18 Apr

I have wanted to introduce you to my father-in-law since I started writing this blog, but I wanted to discuss it with him first, as well as get his permission.  

This weekend we had a conversation that I believe perfectly sums up his personality.  I took it as a sign.  He granted me his permission after I promised I wouldn’t give him a “pu$$y-ass” pseudonym, such as Alejandro. 

Ladies and Gentlemen:   My father-in-law, Drama:

 Hubby:  Let’s have a fish fry on Friday.  We can have some family and friends over.

Me:  Yeah!  Can you fry the fish outside, though. That smell lingers for days.

Hubby:  If it’s not snowing I promise to take it outside.  My dad can help me out.

Me:  Thank you.  What’s on the menu?

Hubby:  I was thinking some cod, talapia…whatever’s on special.  I’ll talk to the old man and see what he wants.  Where is he?

Me:  He’s on the phone with one of his lady friends.  I have a potato pancake recipe I’ve been wanting to try.

Hubby:  I could go for some crab legs. I think I saw crab legs on sale somewhere.  Dad!  Where did we see those crab legs?

Drama finishes up his conversation, and walks into the kitchen:

Drama:  I had crabs once. 

Hubby and I locked eyes for approximately five seconds as we let the phrase “I had crabs once.” sink in.  Then, things literally got a little hazy because I couldn’t see through the tears rolling down my face, the mascara was burning my pupils, and the urge to pee my pants was making me dizzy.   Eventually, we were able to form words again:

Hubby:  Did you really have crabs once?

Drama:  Yes!  It was awful.  I had my nut brush, but still.

Me:  (On the verge of losing it, again)  Your nut brush?!

Drama:  (Condescending tone)  It’s not really for your nuts, stupid.  It’s a regular brush.  I just use it for…that.  Sometimes they itch, and I get so mad and I’m like “Oh my God, please help me.”  So, I grab my nut brush.

Relief.

At this point, the urge to pee my pants is much too overwhelming, and so I excuse myself to use the restroom.

Drama:  (Yelling) OH YEAH!  DMTF!  Don’t use the brown brush in the bathroom anymore!  I’ll buy you a new one.

Nice.  And, yes.  You will buy me a new one.

My Brother From Another Mother! Err…From the Same Mother?

31 Mar

Meet Sarah and George.  Don’t they make a cute couple?

Adorable

They have an amazing story.   With a couple of divorces between them, and their youth behind them, Sarah and George turned to the internet to find love. As it turns out, Sarah and George had a lot in common.   After months of internet courtship the soul mates decided to meet in person.   It wasn’t long until the couple discovered they share a spanking fetish parents.  Yep.  Sarah and George are brother and sister!

I’ll let that soak in.  Brother and SisterSiblingsBlind dateInternet dating.

Allow me to read in between the lines of the article:

After connecting through an Internet dating service… means

Found each other in a “Hot Mama Seeking Bad, Bad Baby” chat room.

…our relationship blossomed as we emailed each other more and more often… means

Sarah and George had a lot of steamy, sloppy, hardcore, S&M, breathless old people internet sex before they decided to meet in person.  They also have countless of nude photos of each other.

After about an hour of conversation at the White Horse, Bentley’s favorite East Ham pub, the two would-be lovers realized they were actually siblings.means

It had been so long since either Sarah or George had actual real sex that they decided to meet at the local Super 8 to do the deed before either of them lost their nerve.  George took his pill, Sarah popped in a VHS cassette tape of a 70’s porn, and they proceeded to have frantic old people sex together.  Unfortunately, Sarah has a bad hip and George has a bum knee so they did it on a chair.   *Pause for visual*

Then, they went for a beer and….well….uncovered the whole brother/sister thing. 

Awwwwwwwkwarrrrrrd.

Is That A Snake In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

29 Mar

I lost my keys the other day.  It was very frustrating because my husband had the other set with him at work, and I was stuck at home.  I found them under the couch cushion two days later.  That sucked. 

I also once lost $20.  I didn’t even know it was missing.  I found it when I was switching purses.  That was awesome. 

You know what I probably wouldn’t lose?  A deadly Egyptian Cobra

It’s my understanding that the snake is still on the loose.  Before I offer the zookeepers at the Bronx Zoo my suggestions of where to look for the missing snake, I have to ask a couple of questions. 

First, are you sure that you’re missing a snake?   I’m serious.  I imagine snakes are hard to count.  They get intertwined and their heads look like their butts.  Miscounting the number of snakes is just as likely as actually losing onePlease recount. 

Second, was it a man or a woman who confirmed that the snake was missing?  I ask this because if male zookeepers are anything like males in general, it is possible that the snake was sitting right in front of the male zookeeper’s face.  The only way the male zookeeper would have known the snake was there was if the snake would have bitten him.  Literally.

Yoo-hoo! Like, here I am.

 Ok.  After you’ve recounted, and Sally the zookeeper confirms the snake is in fact missing, here are my suggestions of what to do next:

  1. You should call that slutty little ho’bag that stole my boyfriend in 8th grade.  She’s a snake; she might know where to look.
  2. Look for a chick hanging out by a tree trying to feed her boyfriend an apple.  The snake may be hiding out there. 
  3. He’s not in my husband’s pants.  I checked last night.  The only thing in there was a trouser snake!  Ya-cha-cha! *jazz hands*
  4. The missing cobra is on Twitter (he’s hilarious).  Has anyone bothered to look for a snake using a computer or on a smartphone?  Come on people!

The good people of New York shouldn’t worry, though.  I heard the snake will eventually reappear…when it gets hungry or thirsty.

Please Don’t Poo-Poo The Spray

28 Mar
I started off the day in a very good mood.  It’s my workout recovery day which means I didn’t have to get up early for the gym, I got tons of sleep last night, and got ready for work in record time.  But, my day is slowly but surely going to shit, and it’s because I’m starting to believe that some people in my office think their shit doesn’t stink.  I don’t mean that figuratively.  I mean it literally.

My office is very small which means we have to share a bathroom.   What’s even worse is that my desk faces that bathroom.  Lately, it has become difficult for me to ignore the poop smell.  But, today?  Today I’m convinced that some people may have gotten together yesterday to watch basketball, eat some broccoli and asparagus chili, and drink coffee. 

Yes, we have air freshner available, but some people feel as though they don’t need to use it.   I personally don’t understand this as I am someone that will give a courtesy spray even if all I’m doing is washing my hands. 

Listen, the last thing I want to do is be the poo-poo po-po, but I am seriously considering some passive/aggressive retaliation. 

DID YOU SPRAY?! DID YOU?!

Perhaps some people really do think their poop smells likes roses.  If that’s the case, let me be the first to tell you that your poop smells very caca-like.  Not like roses at all.

Some may make the argument that air freshener makes the situation worse.  I think I speak for the other helpless victims in the office when I say we prefer the fresh scent of  poo-pouri over Chanel No. 2.   Please spray.

P.S.:  I can also hear the faucet running and am fully aware of whether or not you wash your hands.  We will never again shake hands, hi-five or thumb wrestle.  Ever.