Tag Archives: jesus

The Rapture is Just Days Away. What to Wear?

19 May

Holy shit, you guys!  I totally almost forgot about the mother f-in Rapture (when some say believers will be taken to heaven and others will be left on earth for about five months of torment) this weekend!  I’m posting this a day early so you don’t make the same mistake.  You’re welcome.

I can’t blame my End of Days forgetfulness on work, finals, and alcohol, though. I blame Target.  They’ll probably start putting their Christmas stuff out tomorrow, but do you think they had their Dooms Day decorations out?!  No, they did not.  I’m sorry, but isn’t The Rapture just as important as Sweet Baby Jesus’s birthday?  I would think so.  Way to go, Target.  Just for that, I hope there’s no Target in heaven (I don’t mean that).

Also, I’m sorry, but I was originally told that Judgment Day would come on September 6, 1994 which was really annoying, because I planned a huge Heaven, Earth, Hell party back in ’94.   I didn’t appreciate going through the trouble of making sure I had all the music, food, booze, and drugs in order only to have everyone but the guest of honor show up.  It was embarrassing and it was rude.  So, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t roll out the red carpet out for JC on Saturday. 

Finally, I understand that some people really do believe that Saturday is “the” day.  But, before you go and stock up on hundreds of cans of creamed corn and bottled water, I want you to really think about this.  

Please don’t send an email to your boss on Friday night asking him to kindly suck a fat one.  I’m just trying to save you that  “drank until that guy at the party looked more and more like Bradley Cooper, had sloppy drunk sex with him, passed out, and didn’t know where you were in the morning walk of shame feeling” when you wake up on Sunday and realize, “Shit.  I’m pretty sure I”m fired.” 

I don’t want anyone to panic, though.  I’m fairly confident we’ll all still be here come Monday morning.  At least, I hope so.  I have gift certificate for a spa appointment that expires on Tuesday, and I was really hoping to get a mani/pedi.

*Thanks to J for the title.


Superman, Spiderman, Jesus, Batman, and WonderWoman

17 Mar

Did you know there are comic books dedicated to Jesus?  I don’t mean, “this comic book is dedicated to Jesus H. Christ.”  I mean, “this comic book stars Jesus, Son of God”.

I know what you’re thinking.  Why make a comic book starring Jesus?  Think about it.  He’s the ultimate superhero.  The scales of justice seem to be tipped in JC’s favor, wouldn’t you say?  And, I’m pretty sure he can kick the ass of any evil villain you put in his path with just some kind words, a chalice of wine, and a communion wafer.

Here are a few of my favorite comic book Jesus-es:

1.  Manga Jesus

Speed Racer’s second cousin on his mom’s side.

Credit: Tyndale

2.  Jesus:  In the Name of the Gun

He’s kicking ass and taking names.

Credit: Ethan Nicolle

3.  Loaded Bible

Starring:  Ken Watanabe.

Credit: Image Comics

4.  Saint Young Men

or what I like to call That 70’s Jesus.

Credit: Kodansha

I have no doubt, my friends.  Jesus will triumph over evil!

The Super Bowl- In Jesus’s Hands

7 Feb

I watched the Super Bowl at my brother-in-law’s house last night, and with the same group of die-hard Packer fans who have gotten together every Sunday this season to watch this amazing, incredible, unbelievable season unfold. People slowly trickled in, and I could hear the nervousness in their voices as they exchanged pleasantries.  We all knew that in a few minutes the game was going to start, but no one was talking about it.   We were all just trying to enjoy the last few minutes of peace before we would take a collective deep breath, and hold it until we heard the last whistle of the game. 

I put my cold six-pack of beer under my chair, gathered my snacks from the food spread, made sure I had enough napkins to get me through an accidental spill, and laughed a little too loudly as Chrrrrrristeeeeeena Ageeeeelerrrrrrra butchered the national anthem.  Then, kick off.

When it looked as though Driver, Woodson and Shields were out for the count, the anxiety was too much for my frail little body *wink, wink* to handle.  I’m pretty sure my natural defense mechanisms kicked in because I don’t remember much about the actual game after that, and today I’m watching highlights on ESPN as if I’m seeing it all unfold for the first time. 

It wasn’t until the last excruciatingly looooong seconds of the game  that my body allowed my mind to think “Holy shit.  I’m pretty sure we’re going to win the Super Bowl.”   At that very moment I took a look around the room and everything moved in slow motion.  I saw my son on the couch in the corner of the room crossing himself and looking up to the heavens as he said a quick Hail Mary, Hubby, his face two shades lighter than usual, sat with his elbows on his knees and face in his hands, and my cousin, who had taken a break from her constant pacing to step outside for some air, walked in with all of her fingers crossed and stood like a statue watching the clock count down the seconds.  At that moment, I had a vision.  Internet, Jesus is a Packer fan, and last night he took the wheel: