Tag Archives: religion

No, I Didn’t Get Raptured. Just Ripped.

1 Jun

What’s up Interweb?!

So, yeah.  I took an unexpected hiatus.  I basically took a hiatus from everything including, but not limited to, cleaning my house, yard work, and checking anything off of my To Do List.   Things I didn’t take a hiatus from include eating ice cream, reading some really good books, humpy time with the Hubby, and piña coladas.

Since my last post, I am now the mother to an adorable, but extremely a-hole-ish, new puppy!  I forgot how much work a puppy can be, especially when you end up with an a-hole like Kemba.  Obviously, I love him, but he’s sort of evile.  As a matter of fact, as I type this I can hear his evil puppy growls and snarls as Hubby sternly repeats, “Kemba!  No bite!!”.  This has been going on for about 20 minutes.  We better break that dog’s spirit soon or I’m afraid we’re going to end up with a complete dickhead of a dog.

I can’t wait to read what you guys have been up to.  I missed you.  Seriously.  I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk.  As my classy girl, Snooki, would say, “I love you so much, I want you to get it in”.

Jersey Shore, Bitches!

The Rapture is Just Days Away. What to Wear?

19 May

Holy shit, you guys!  I totally almost forgot about the mother f-in Rapture (when some say believers will be taken to heaven and others will be left on earth for about five months of torment) this weekend!  I’m posting this a day early so you don’t make the same mistake.  You’re welcome.

I can’t blame my End of Days forgetfulness on work, finals, and alcohol, though. I blame Target.  They’ll probably start putting their Christmas stuff out tomorrow, but do you think they had their Dooms Day decorations out?!  No, they did not.  I’m sorry, but isn’t The Rapture just as important as Sweet Baby Jesus’s birthday?  I would think so.  Way to go, Target.  Just for that, I hope there’s no Target in heaven (I don’t mean that).

Also, I’m sorry, but I was originally told that Judgment Day would come on September 6, 1994 which was really annoying, because I planned a huge Heaven, Earth, Hell party back in ’94.   I didn’t appreciate going through the trouble of making sure I had all the music, food, booze, and drugs in order only to have everyone but the guest of honor show up.  It was embarrassing and it was rude.  So, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t roll out the red carpet out for JC on Saturday. 

Finally, I understand that some people really do believe that Saturday is “the” day.  But, before you go and stock up on hundreds of cans of creamed corn and bottled water, I want you to really think about this.  

Please don’t send an email to your boss on Friday night asking him to kindly suck a fat one.  I’m just trying to save you that  “drank until that guy at the party looked more and more like Bradley Cooper, had sloppy drunk sex with him, passed out, and didn’t know where you were in the morning walk of shame feeling” when you wake up on Sunday and realize, “Shit.  I’m pretty sure I”m fired.” 

I don’t want anyone to panic, though.  I’m fairly confident we’ll all still be here come Monday morning.  At least, I hope so.  I have gift certificate for a spa appointment that expires on Tuesday, and I was really hoping to get a mani/pedi.

*Thanks to J for the title.

What? Wednesday- And Now a Rap by DJ Shut the F Up

11 May

Don’t worry.  It’s totally ok to make fun of this kid.  I, too, thought I’d go to hell for thinking such cruel, but funny things about this video.    Yes, this kid is a complete tool, but he totally wins.  You see, the only way to get this little ditty out your head is to go to church and pray it away.  It’s a wash!

God is doin’ it.  God is doin’ a nu thaaaaaaaang!  *Spirit fingers*

The Power of Voodoo. Who Do? You Do.

7 Apr

My grandpa used to practice SanteriaI don’t believe in it, but it is a part of my culture I find interesting and unique. 

Grandpa’s “voodoo” room was very mysterious.  It had a makeshift alter lit by candles, bowls full of fruit, statues, and caramel squares I would covet from afar because, even though I didn’t believe in his practices, there was no way I was stepping foot in that room.

I don't believe in voodoo, but I'm not going to say anything a-hole-ish.

As we got older, my sisters, cousins and I would make fun of the voodoo room.  We would crack jokes about how grandpa was probably just watching wrestling or picking his lottery numbers in there in an attempt to get some peace and quiet.  As we got older, we would mock the voodoo chants we heard, and pretend to become enchanted.  These particular jokes were usually followed by nervous laughter and uncomfortable moments of silence as we silently made peace with the voodoo spirits,  “I didn’t mean it.”  or “I didn’t steal the caramel.” or “Even though I don’t believe in voodoo, it would be cool if you just ignored my a-holeness this time.  Thanks.”

When I was 17  my cousin pushed me into the room and shut the door on me.  For those few seconds my eyes darted from the altar to the fruit offerings to the candles to the caramels to the statues to the half-smoked cigars to the lottery tickets to my grandpa’s sandals to the door knob.  I was so freaked out that the room started to spin, and I got a little dizzy. Luckily, Wuelita saved me.  I don’t believe in voodoo, but that experience was very traumatic.

Flash forward to a few days ago when I spotted two crows in a tree in my backyard.  There was some sort of crow fight going on because they were squawking back and forth at each other.  It was  amusing, until they started to brawl.  The squawking turned into high-pitched squeaks.  Feathers started to fly.  It got so intense that I got a little nervous, and put my dog in the house.  Then, complete silence.  It was then I witnessed a dead, limp, black crow fall from the tree.  It hit the ground like a sack of potatoes.  A rain of black feathers followed. Then, the other lifeless crow came crashing down!  *pees pants, just a little*

I’m not very superstitious, but two dead crows falling out of the sky into your backyard can’t be a good sign.  Also, I don’t believe in voodoo, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to need some homemade rum, a couple of candles, a pack of Marlboro Lights, some apples, a banana, a Barbie, two lottery tickets, and a Snickers to get rid of this bad joo-joo.