Tag Archives: nightmares

What?! Wednesday- May I Trouble You For a Poise Pad?

9 Mar

This is now a very close second to my recurring nightmare.  If I had to choose between using this de-veel machine or peeing my pants, I’m peeing my pants.  Every time.


Smells Like Teen Spirit.

1 Mar

I’m a deep sleeper.  I’ve slept through severe thunderstorms that have made national news, my mother entering my home, doing my dishes and vacuuming while I was asleep in the same room, sex, and a fire two houses down from mine.  The only thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night is my recurring nightmare.

It’s present day, and I’m at my high school (Go Shirts!) walking down the hall towards the gym.  It’s very loud, and I realize there’s a pep rally going on.  I buy a Mike’s Hard Lemonade at the concession stand, and make my way through the gym doors.  This is when things start to get weird. 

There’s a full-blown High School Musical-style pep rally going on.

Gooooo Blackshirts, tra, la, la, la, la.

The doors slam shut behind me,  and I start to get a little nervous.  I begin scanning the crowd for a familiar face.  This part of the dream varies.  People I’ve seen in the crowd include my kindergarten teacher, Matthew McConaughey (Well, hello.), my OB, Prince, an Oopma Loompa, and Jeffery Dahmer (ewwwwww).

Things get a little Twin Peaks when all of a sudden the pep rally goes from “High School Musical” to “Smells Like Teen Spirit”.

Ummm, I'm scared.

Two very tough looking cheerleaders with anarchy symbols on their shirts  pull me to the center of the gym floor, and present me with my very own cheerleading uniform.  

I graciously accept the uniform, but politely decline the invitation to put it on. That’s when they start go get a little pushy.  “PUT IT ON!”, they yell.  “PUT IT ON, NOW!!!”, the audience starts to chant.  The evil cheerleaders start yanking and pulling on my clothes, until I’m standing, almost naked, in the middle of the gym floor, a spotlight blaring on me, and an angry mob yelling at me to put the uniform on. 

But, that’s not what wakes me up.  What wakes me up is when I notice that the uniform….give me second. 

The uniform they want me to put on….sorry. 

The uniform…


 is……..a size 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

That dream always wakes me up “Pulp Fiction adrenaline shot to the heart” style.

It was just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream.