Please note I wrote this post dressed in my royal wedding attire- my wedding dress from 1998, black finger-less knit gloves that I’m pretending are dainty white lace gloves, the Easter bonnet I wore when I was five, and a black paten leather purse Wuelita gave me sits gingerly on lap. Instead of a cup of tea, however, I’m drinking a pint of Guinness out of my 1995 Homecoming Queen mug. I’m also a little drunk.
I’m into the royal wedding. I admit it. Don’t judge… or do. I would.
First of all, well done, Waity Katie. Well done. *slow clap*
You’ve waited eight loooong years for your day. It’s so close you can taste it. I bet it tastes like chocolate covered strawberries or really smooth tequila.
If on the off-chance the Royal CIA finds out about your booze-filled stripper days before you and Will have a chance to make it official (getting knocked up would seal the deal- just saying), here’s a list of Princely alternates:
Prince Harry:
Pros: First of all, good for Prince Harry! He he had the whole ginger thing going against him, but he was able to overcome adversity to become the hotter brother. He’s also a little wild as far as English monarch aristocracy goes.
I love me a bad boy.
Cons: He’s a ginger. His name is Harry (perhaps you’re more mature than I am, and can overlook that). He also once dressed up as a Nazi for a costume party. The Royal Etiquette police really dropped the ball on that one, wouldn’t you say, chaps?
Prince Charming
Pros: He can slay a dragon. He’s incredibly handsome. He’s charming.
Cons: His tendency to wear tights and break into song makes me think he sort of leans toward the pink end of the man spectrum, if you know what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I love the gays, but I wouldn’t want a husband that’s prettier than me.
Prince of Darkness
Pros: He lives in warm climate. The two of you have become really good friends since you cemented your business deal- the one wherein you sold your soul to him in exchange for a crown.
Cons: He’s the devil. He can be temperamental. He’s clingy.
Pros: He’s cute. You would look really skinny standing next to him. He’ll want to cuddle afterwards.
Cons: He’s lazy. He’s Harry hairy. He’s a pussy.
Prince (as in the artist)
Pros: Too many to name.
Cons: He’s prettier than you. (*See Prince Charming*)
Congrats to the royal couple. I look forward to years of stalking and judging you.
Cheerio!
Don't Make That Face 