WHAT’S UP BEOTCHES!!??? WOOO-HOOOO! Like, it’s me, Mother Earth!
I’m wasted! I’ve literally been up since the crack of dawn celebrating my day. It started with beer bongs with my boys in New Zealand (call me!).
I totally forgot that I promised by boo, DMTF, that I would guest post for her today (oops). It’s a good thing I brought my phone with me. I didn’t want to bring it because I have a tendency to drunk dial when I party, but I’m like sooo glad I brought it. DMTF would have killed me if I didn’t post. She totally loves you guys. She’s like completely obsessed.
So, Happy Earth Day, bitches! It is all about me today. If you plan on celebrating my Super Sweet Sixty Million Birthday Bash, you better do something really big for me….or with me (I’m such a slut.)
Oh yeah! To all the hippy tree huggers out there, you get V.I.P. access at my party in Vegas tonight- even if the chicks don’t shave your armpits, and the dudes smell like beets. I love you guys. I totally have your back.
Finally, I want to apologize to my peeps in Wisconsin. I know I’ve been behaving sort of shitty with you, lately. The thing is, my boyfriend, who goes to UW-Madison, just broke up with me. I found out that d-bag was cheating on me with that Slutty McSlutbag, Mother Nature. I am so mad you guys.
He said I was too “needy” and a little psycho because I went through his phone one night and deleted every contact with a girl name. I was all like, “Whatever. Sensitive much?”
I don’t really care, though. He’s a total coward. You know how I found out he was breaking up with me? He changed his Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Ummmm, whatever. You want complicated? How about October weather in April? How about snow on Easter? Is that “complicated” enough for you?
Well, I gotta run. I have tons of appearances to make and I promised Snooki I’d go tanning with her before my Western hemisphere parties. Plus, she said she’d do my hair in a poof.
Don’t forget to do something nice for me to today.
Peace and Love,
Ma’ Earth
XOXO
Don't Make That Face 