In Lieu of Gifts, Please Send Gifts

22 Apr

WHAT’S UP BEOTCHES!!???  WOOO-HOOOO!  Like, it’s me, Mother Earth! 

I’m wasted!  I’ve literally been up since the crack of dawn celebrating my day.  It started with beer bongs with my boys in New Zealand (call me!).  

I totally forgot that I promised by boo, DMTF, that I would guest post for her today (oops).   It’s a good thing I brought my phone with me.  I didn’t want to bring it because I have a tendency to drunk dial when I party, but I’m like sooo glad I brought it.  DMTF would have killed me if I didn’t post.  She totally loves you guys.  She’s like completely obsessed. 

So, Happy Earth Day, bitches!  It is all about me today.  If you plan on celebrating my Super Sweet Sixty Million Birthday Bash, you better do something really big for me….or with me (I’m such a slut.)

Oh yeah!  To all the hippy tree huggers out there, you get V.I.P. access at my party in Vegas tonight- even if the chicks don’t shave your armpits, and the dudes smell like beets.  I love you guys.  I totally have your back.

Finally, I want to apologize to my peeps in Wisconsin.  I know I’ve been behaving sort of shitty with you, lately.  The thing is, my boyfriend, who goes to UW-Madison, just broke up with me.  I found out that d-bag was cheating on me with that Slutty McSlutbag, Mother Nature.  I am so mad you guys.  

He said I was too “needy” and a little psycho because I went through his phone one night and deleted every contact with a girl name.  I was all like, “Whatever. Sensitive much?”

I don’t really care, though.  He’s a total coward.  You know how I found out he was breaking up with me?  He changed his Facebook status to “It’s complicated.”  Ummmm, whatever.  You want complicated?  How about October weather in April?  How about snow on Easter?  Is that “complicated” enough for you? 

Well, I gotta run. I have tons of appearances to make and I promised Snooki I’d go tanning with her before my Western hemisphere parties.  Plus, she said she’d do my hair in a poof.

Don’t forget to do something nice for me to today. 

Peace and Love,

Ma’ Earth



28 Responses to “In Lieu of Gifts, Please Send Gifts”

  1. Sweetrivers April 22, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    I just can’t picture mother earth being drunk.

  2. girlonthecontrary April 22, 2011 at 10:39 am #

    This post rocked my world today. Mother Nature is a total slut.


    • Don't Make That Face April 22, 2011 at 10:40 am #

      She can be a little bitchy, too.

    • Sweetrivers April 22, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

      Where do you think Spring Fever started!

  3. subWOW April 22, 2011 at 10:56 am #

    Thank you. THAT explained everything that’s going on. She’s probably having a fever of some sort from either too much partying or STDs that would totally explain global warming!

  4. momfog April 22, 2011 at 11:14 am #

    Love it! Definitely a scorching case of herpes. It’s HOT down here in the South!

    • Don't Make That Face April 22, 2011 at 11:18 am #

      I thought you were down there, somewhere.
      I wish you we were closer so I could order a Lloyd Dobler Holding a Boombox cake from you. 😦

      • momfog April 22, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

        What gave me away? I try to avoid using words like “y’all” and “fixin’ to.”

        Where are you? It might be worth the road trip to be able to make the coolest cake ever. 🙂

      • Don't Make That Face April 23, 2011 at 10:48 am #

        It was you descriptions of the weather. They make me jealous.

  5. Thypolar April 22, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    (GASP) I kneeeeeeeeew it!

  6. fnkybee April 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    Absolutely, hands down best Earth Day post EVER! I knew she was a drunken floozie!

  7. Invisible Mikey April 22, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    Wow. And that picture! I never knew Moms looked like P-Oed ’80s Geena Davis on a bad hair day.

  8. Mutterschwester April 22, 2011 at 2:36 pm #

    Excellent. Sometimes it does feel like Mother Earth and Mother Nature are having it out. Forget Mama Bear and Tiger Mother – this is the real deal.

  9. jaerae1971 April 23, 2011 at 5:25 am #

    Finally, an Earth Day I can get behind!

  10. trailertrashdeluxe April 23, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

    This is a great post, and would make a way better freshpressed post than most of the bland crapola on there. Especially like the part about deleting all the females’ numbers on his phone.

    • Don't Make That Face April 23, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

      Thanks! I know women who have done that that to their boyfriends. Thanks for stopping by.

  11. The Good Greatsby April 24, 2011 at 8:47 pm #

    Come on, Mother Earth, you’ve got to admit you can be a bit complicated. I’ve got to take your ex-boyfriend’s side on this one.

  12. Craig & Joe Ardolino April 28, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    What an approach, a drunk earth. She just might be sometimes. Can you tell me, are volcanoes the byproduct of Mama Earth Gas and bowl movements?

    • Don't Make That Face April 28, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

      Yes, yes it is. In fact, that’s what I told my son to write for his research paper on volcanoes.
      Also, tsunamis are Mother Earth’s menstrual cramps.


  1. Your Comments Make Me Better « Don't Make That Face - May 6, 2011

    […] items at was really impressed with my Earth Day post in which I make Mother Earth sound like a drunk floozy.  This is what Promotional […]

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