Tag Archives: death

Last Will and Testament of The Coolest Guy Eva’

21 Jun

I had another post all ready to go for today about bathroom phone calls and dealing with the inevitable flush, but then I read this new story, and thought I would share the heartwarming, heartbreaking, tear-jerker with you. 

Here are the CliffsNotes (do these even exist anymore?)  for those of you who just don’t have the energy to move the cursor to the link and double-click, for those of you who are reading this at work while your boss is on his phone in the bathroom and want me to just hurry the F up and get to the point, and for those of you who just don’t car fer da’ readin’ (what are you doing here?).  The article is about a 24 year-old British Royal Marine solider who was killed in Afghanistan.

In his will, this British Royal Marine solider (who I love without ever having met him) left approximately $150,000 to his friends for a big Vegas send-off.  He asked his friends, who have been grieving for over a year, to take the money and do it up gangsta’ style in Las Vegas in his memory.  He asked them to spend every dollar, rent the most expensive room, eat at the best restaurants, go out and party, and remember him while they’re doing it.  (If you’re not at least tearing up yet, please check the battery on your robot heart).

Or course there are those who have a problem with this.  But, I don’t care about those losers.  This kid also left his family money, and left a significant chunk of change to his favorite charity which helps disabled veterans.  So, suck it losers.

This young man put his life on the line everyday and realized, more than others, that life is a gift, and that it is way too short.  If he wanted to treat his friends to a weekend full of drinking, debauchery, gambling, dancing, Cher, and a possible orgy, then who the hell are we to judge?!

Personally, when it’s my time, I want people throwing themselves on my coffin-  because they’re really drunk and they know I would be cracking up at such a spectacle.  I would also want my friends to attempt a gospel version of  Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” while really pouring on the “soul” during the choir part.  I’m laughing just thinking about it.

How would you want to be sent off?

*A-hole-ish P.S.:  This is not a forum for you to debate your political views.  We all have our views, and we are all entitled to them.  The thing is, I just don’t want to read them here.  If I have offended you, then let me remind you that this is an a-hole-ish P.S.  Get over it.

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I’m No Michael Vick, But Still….

17 May

I ran over a dog once.  It was a traumatic experience for a couple of reasons.

I was driving my old piece of shit Ford Bronco. (It should be noted that I hated this car so much that if it were a person I would have challenged it to an MMA fight wherein I would have mercilessly wrassled it to the ground, punched it in the kidneys, head butted it, gauged its eyes out, and then stomped on its nuts.  But, I digress.)   

Our neighborhood is full of kids who like to dart out into the road at any given moment which is why I was white knuckling the steering wheel and going about 2 miles an hour.

Sure enough, I saw an empty skateboard fly out from a driveway, and quickly slammed on my breaks while I waited for Joey Deathwish to run out and grab it.  It was then that I felt a very subtle “bump”.  My heart quickly fell to my stomach.  I knew I hadn’t run over a child (thank God), but I definitely hit something.  

I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a black lump sitting in the middle of the road.  I pulled over, tried to get my shakes under control, and walked over to what I thought was a cat.  It wasn’t.  It was a little black dog, and it was definitely dead. 

I immediately broke down.  I searched for the family. I fought the urge to vomit as I realized I was going to have to introduce myself to these people as  the evil bitch who  just killed their dog. 

I found the family outside the apartment building down the block, and through tears and snot told the first person I saw that I had just hit a dog.  Just then I heard a woman scream “NOOOOOO!” as she frantically looked around for her dog.

I was a mess.  I apologized and tried to explain what happened.  Just then the woman’s husband came marching over to me and chewed me a new a-hole.  I would have been scared if I wasn’t such a basket case.  I was a dog murderer. I deserved it. 

A neighbor who had witnessed the whole thing came to my rescue.  She explained that it was an accident, that I had immediately pulled over, that I found them, and that I was done talking.  She walked me back home where I relived the entire nightmare a second time for Hubby.

After a few days the nightmares started to fade, and I tried put the whole thing behind me.  Then, one night, on the 10:00 local news, I saw what looked like “the” apartment building down road.

I watched through tunnel vision as the heavily made-up news anchor pointed to “the” apartment building down the road while saying words like “dog” and “abuse” and “beaten to death” .  My heart was beating a mile a minute as I waited for the police to kick in my front door.  Could this be happening?! 

As it turns out, the grief-stricken family decided to dispose of the poor dog’s body in the apartment building dumpster instead of bury it.  The body was found by a tenant who thought the dog had been beaten to death.  She called the police.  Apparently, people don’t like the thought of a dog being beaten to death.  Who knew?

I ultimately relived the nightmare a third time when I called the police station to explain what had really happened. 

Readers, this is an example of how things in my life have a tendency to snowball.  It’s why I write this blog.