Are You There God? It’s Me, Dumbass

26 Jul

Due to a nasty storm which resulted in hail damage, the house is getting new siding.  I’m excited, but due to my almost constant state of annoyance, the whole things has been a bit….annoying.

I had worked myself up into an annoyed tizzy just thinking about it while watering my flowers the other morning when I heard a buzzing in my ear.  Thinking it was a bee getting ready to fly into my ear, have millions of bee babies that would sting my brain, and then all fly out my nose after killing me, I instinctively swatted it away.  I used the same hand I was holding the garden hose in.  I ended up spraying myself in the face:


I looked around to make sure no one *clear throat* Hubby saw that.  I was in the clear, and so continued to water the plants.

I was giving the rose-bush in front of our diningroom window a good soaking when I noticed that the shutters could use a fresh coat of paint.  “I wonder if they would paint the shutters when they replace the siding”, I wondered….out loud. 

*SIDE NOTE:  I talk to myself…a lot.  It’s not really talking to myself.  It’s more like thinking out loud.  The problem is that I tend to ramble.  Imagine what that looks like to a normal person.  A bit cray-cray.

Just then I heard a soft muffled voice say something like,  “I can’t believe this.”  The voice sounded distant.  The neighbors must have had their radio on or something.  Oh well.

I was working my way to the flowers at the back of the house when the hose got knotted on something.  That put me over the edge:

SON OF A BITCH! I hate this g-damn hose!  Why does it always get knotted?!  You would think they would have invented something that stops hose knots.  Actually, they probably have something at Home Depot.  I should look the next time I go.  I think we need AA batteries, too.  And, I think they have a sale on charcoal.  I’ll have to call mom.  She always knows when there’s a sale on something.

My tirade was interrupted when I was startled by “the voice”.  This time the voice was a little less muffled.  It sounded like it was coming from my butt.  Maybe I had butt dialed someone? I panicked at the thought of having gotten my phone wet.  I reached for my back pocket (wait for it)  with the hand holding the hose.  Good news:  My phone was in the house.  Bad news:  My face and my ass were totally soaked. 

The voice:  How long?….Again?  Seriously?

Me:  Hello?  Hubby?

The voice:  …..all day.  Moron. 

Me:  Whatever!  I’m almost done watering the plants.  Keep your pants on…for now. *chuckle*

The voice:  What?

Me:  Did you go to the store yet?  Can you check if there’s something that prevents garden hose knots?  I’ve been having technical difficulties out here.

The voice:  Hello?  Ma’am?

Me:  (Confused)  Hello?

The voice:  Hello?  I’m up here. 

Just then I looked up to see a man sitting on our very steep roof and a very looooong ladder laying on the ground with my garden hose knotted around it.   Then, I realized that it was Saturday.  The insurance adjuster was coming on Saturday to survey the damage on the roof and siding.  He was coming early, was going to climb up, inspect the roof, and leave.  We wouldn’t even notice he was there.

Me:  (Mortified.  Staring straight ahead.)  Hiiiiiiiiiiii.  You must be Tom from the insurance company?

The voice:  Yeah.

Me:   I suppose you need this ladder to get down?

The voice:  Yeah.  I do.

Me:  How long….

The voice:  A couple of hours.  I hoped to get your attention when I saw you come out to water the plants, but….

Me:  Soooooo…you saw?

The voice: (beyond annoyed and terrified by the crazy lady who talks to herself) Can you just get the ladder, Ma’am?

Thankfully, (for Tom) we haven’t had to deal with each other since that day.  When Hubby asked me why he was suddenly fielding the calls from Tom the Insurance Adjuster, I just told him that Tom was probably being sexist and would rather deal with “the man of the house.” 

Hubby’s not buying it.


21 Responses to “Are You There God? It’s Me, Dumbass”

  1. But That's For Another Blog July 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

    LOVE THIS! I have done the hose to face thing too!

    • Don't Make That Face July 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm #

      Unfortunately, that wasn’t my first hose to face incident. I’m a dumbass.

  2. detrimentalbeauty July 26, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    OMG. Serioulsy? You must be making this up?! That is sooooo *terribly* funny! Oh poor Tom. Poor you. Poor Hubby…..

    So funny. Still laughing…. Stuck. On. The Roof. Ha!

  3. irratebass July 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    Great funny post!

  4. princessndenial July 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

    Hilarious…My husband is always asking “who are you talking to??” Me – “Uh, Myself, duh..” its win/win, no one has to listen to my rants and I never disagree with myself. I pray no one every catches me on video…I probably look like a reject from Intervention….

    • Don't Make That Face July 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm #

      LOL! I know. I can’t imagine what I look like. I’ll have to work up the nerve to ask Tom. 😉

  5. July 26, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who talks and cusses out loud to no one in particular. I gotta say though, you win…I’ve never left someone stuck on my roof. Too funny!

  6. Carmen July 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    THANK YOU For sharing this… kinda makes me feel like less of a dumbass for some of the reaaaallly stupid shit I do.

    • Don't Make That Face July 26, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

      LOL! You’re welcome. It’s one of the few times I have hesistated writing something. But, the world might as well know what a complete idiot I can be.

  7. JM Randolph July 26, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    This totally made my day. It’s his fault, really. He could have called someone.

  8. 2011spiritualoddessy July 26, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    Holy crap. I think i pee’d my pants a little. Funny lady!

  9. Redneckprincess July 26, 2011 at 9:58 pm #

    I talk to myself all the time. Lately I have been getting busted while doing it. People look at you funny. I am trying to stop. 🙂

  10. Emily July 27, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    Oh. My. Gawd.

    Hilarious post, though I feel for your mortification. I thought I was the only one…!

    • Don't Make That Face July 27, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

      It’s one of those things that happen to me that when I think about it, I have to start talking really loudly to drown out the images in my head. I’m a dumbass.

  11. Thypolar August 1, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    I’ve totally done the whole “hose in the face” thing too. That, along with about 2 dozen or more horrifying things that I wish people hadn’t witnessed.

    psssst. There’s always a witness! Thanks for the laugh 🙂 I love you man –

  12. Craig & Joe Ardolino August 17, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    Great story! You never know who may be watching those embarrassing moments.

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