I Scream, You Scream We All…Back Dat Ass Up

25 Jul

On Friday night Hubby and I decided to meet Drama at his favorite bar for a few drinks after work before we went to dinner.  Drama’s been working some really long hours so we didn’t think we’d be there long.

Three hours, a bowl of peanuts, three staggering trips to the bathroom, and several drinks later, the three of us are loudly and obnoxiously discussing our favorite of Drama’s ex-girlfriends.  Hubby voted for the woman who used to scream into the phone when she would call, “IS DRAMA THERE?!!!”.  We used to joke that she must be deaf. Then, we found out she really was partially deaf.  Awkward.

My pick was the woman who used to drive the low rider ice cream truck complete with spinning rims, and a noise ordinance-breaking sound system:

She would drive around town in this pimped out ice cream truck while blasting songs such as “Back Dat Ass Up” and Kelis’s “Milkshake“.  But, wait.  It gets classier.  She used to have a penchant for thong underwear, and if some kid was lucky enough to order the Sponge Bob Square Pants popsicle, he would also receive a up close and personal view of most of her ass crack.  It was like two treats for the price of one.   

I digress.

Drama’s newest interest is a woman he works with.  According to him she is beautiful, nice, and funny.  The problem?  We’re not sure if she’s a man or a woman.  You see, the rumor at Drama’s work is that this woman is a cross dresser.  No problem. 

Using Drama’s experience with classy women and my experience with tranny’s we came up with the following comprehensive “Chick or Dick” checklist which we wrote out on a bar napkin.  Keep in mind that Drama can’t get a up close look at this woman because he heard in the last sexual harassment prevention class that getting too close can be “creepy”:

  1. Tell a funny (not dirty) joke.  Does she responded with a Geisha-like giggle or Santa Clause belly chuckle?
  2. Do her hands appear soft and delicate or are you looking at gnarly sausage  fingers?
  3. Is there ever any adjustment of a “package”?

That’s it.  That’s all we got.

I was going to call Drama this morning and tell him he should just follow her to the bathroom, but I decided against it.  I’m curious to see whether or not our Chick or Dick checklist works.  I’ll keep you posted.

P.S.  I missed you guys.

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17 Responses to “I Scream, You Scream We All…Back Dat Ass Up”

  1. marinasleeps July 25, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    How was this not Freshly Pressed?!?!? This was epic!!!
    I totally laughed out loud at work!!!!
    Another one would be .. does she get a 5’ole clock shadow??
    ha ha … hey dude on twitter I erased my old one and created a new one called @marinasleeps.
    I am following you but you aint following me.
    Just a reminder.

    • Don't Make That Face July 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

      Hi! I can’t make this up. I have to walk around with a pen to write this stuff down. But, I was drunk when I wrote these notes so they say stuff like “vadge?” “visible junk?” “transfabulous”. Try piecing that together. 🙂

      I’m following you on Twitter.

  2. drudydavis July 25, 2011 at 4:17 pm #

    you gotta tell him to do the Jersey Shore man or woMAN check list – the neck, the hands and the feet. The feet are usually the easiest way to tell!

    • Don't Make That Face July 25, 2011 at 4:19 pm #

      So true. I should have thought of that. Hobbit feet are never a good sign.

  3. Craig & Joe Ardolino July 25, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    you always crack me up! Make sure there is a sequel!

  4. Amy July 26, 2011 at 8:50 am #

    That ice cream truck is the bomb-diggity!! I want one!
    And, hey, tell Drama to be open-minded. If s/he is beautiful, nice and funny, he should just go with it. In the heat of the moment, he may not even mind the extra plumbing. 🙂

    • Don't Make That Face July 26, 2011 at 8:53 am #

      Right?! The heart wants what the heart wants.

      P.S. How’s your grandma?! I still can’t believe that was her. I remember seeing that story on Good Morning America. I was disgusted. Poor grandma. I hope she’s doing well.

      • Amy July 26, 2011 at 9:11 am #

        My grandma is doing just fine. Thank you! The whole ordeal upset everyone else more than it did her. She said she’s just “too old to care.” Gotta love her!

      • Don't Make That Face July 26, 2011 at 9:18 am #

        “Too old to Care” is the #1 perk of getting old. I’m sort of there already, but you can get away with it more when you’re actually older. 🙂

        Glad to hear she’s doing well.

  5. Miz Parker July 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    How about “has an Adam’s apple”?

    Also, what happened to the above poster’s grandma?

    <– Nosy

    • Don't Make That Face July 26, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

      Adam’s Apple was too obvious for my state of drunkeness.

      A few weeks ago there was a story about the TSA body searching an eldery woman traveling with her daugther. The elderly woman was confused about what was going on. I heard the story on Good Morning America. Well, the elderly woman was the above Poster’s grandma. I shit you not. You should check out her WordPress blog. Fix it or deal. She’s funny, and loves zombies.

    • Amy July 26, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

      Hi! You can read about it here: http://fixitordeal.wordpress.com/2011/06/28/you-know-its-gonna-be-an-interesting-week-when-cnn-calls-your-mom/
      Or just Google Lena Reppert. That’s my grandma.
      And, it’s okay to be nosy on a semi-public forum such as this. It’s actualy expected, I would think.

  6. detrimentalbeauty July 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

    I love it, however I would like to see a picture of the actual list because your “notes” seem hilarious! “TransFabulous!” Perfect!

    Welcome Back, my lovely!

  7. Emily July 27, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    You SO have to fill us in on how it went – with Drama’s reputation it has to be fantastic!

    My friend of questionable gender made up a game of ‘Male or Female?’ that we play whenever we see another person of questionable gender. It’s so much fun that now all I have to say is, “Wanna play a game?”

    Alas, though, we haven’t come up with a better Chick or Dick list than yours, and we’ve been playing for six years.

    • Don't Make That Face July 27, 2011 at 1:13 pm #

      Tell me more about your game. I’m intrigued.

      I haven’t talked to Drama yet, but I’ll for sure let you know what happens.

  8. trailertrashdeluxe July 30, 2011 at 11:51 am #

    Ditto on the adam’s apple; supposed to be a dead giveaway. “Transfabulous” sounds like the name of an interesting magazine (that I probably wouldn’t want to be caught reading), maybe a coffee table mag in the “great room” of some fancy place on HGTV, splayed out right next to “Cat Fancier” and “Beach Living”. And “too old to care” is so right–I’m getting to the point where I say anything I want to anyone I want and don’t much care what they think. Almost anything. It’s like there’s a quick mini-checklist that goes:
    1. Is this a woman that I might ever have a chance of getting in bed with, so that I have to waste my time trying to impress her rather than being myself? No?–then say it.
    2. Will I completely crush this person’s feelings or completely goon them out, OR will my words just make them think I’m slightly off the beam, but hopefully funny? If it’s the latter, then say it.
    3. Is there someone in public that needs to be straightened out a little, but they don’t look like they will murder you if you say something to them? Then say it.

    Sorry, “Face”, I kinda went off on some tangents here–sorta feel like writing, yet too lazy to put anything new on my own b-log.

  9. Thypolar August 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    hahahahahahahahah I missed you. That is all. hahahahahahah

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