Your Kid is a Genius? That’s….Yeah, I Don’t Care

28 Jun

My sister is currently searching for the perfect preschool for my nephew.  Can I tell you how crazy this task has been for her?  Did you know that your kid can get rejected from preschool?! 

Let me just say that if that were the case when I was in preschool, I would have been screwed.  I don’t think any preschools would have been jumping at the chance to admit a tall, skinny, scabby-kneed, coke-bottle glasses wearing, hair chewing weirdo who often talked to herself and laughed at her own jokes (that hasn’t changed).

The only thing crazier than filling out a 10 page application for a French immersion preschool that serves only organic snacks with vegan options and costs the same as my Son’s private school tuition, are the cray-cray parents vying to get their kids in.

My sister recently attended an Open House for a local baby Yale where she overheard some crazy s*&t

Parent #1:  My child taught himself how to read and write.

Do ya think he could help me wit dis here formz? Der bee a lot of dem fancy wordz and gobbledygook I caint figger out.

Parent #2:  My son was speaking in complete sentences at 9 months.

Really?  What did your baby have to say at 9 months?  Did he tell you, in an English accent, that he appreciates your nipple hair because it meant he could floss immediately after nursing? 

Parent # 3:  My daughter was walking at 8 months.  She currently plays on the Toddler Olympic Soccer Team (she really said this).

Funny.  You don’t look Asian, but “The Toddler Olympic Soccer Team” must be code for Chinese gymnastic team. 

Parent #5:  My child can speak three languages.

Yeah?  Well, your kid is picking his nose right now….and he just ate it.

Parent #6: My twins can read each other’s thoughts.  It’s amazing.

I can read their thoughts, too.  They’re thinking you’re a nerd who is going to raise them to be nerds.  They say, “Thanks a lot.”

Parent #7:  My son has been playing the violin since he could walk.

That’s nice.  My son can thrash on the drums.  He’s going to be way cooler than your kid and will probably sleep  with your son’s girlfriend someday.

Needless to say, my sister’s search for the perfect preschool continues.

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33 Responses to “Your Kid is a Genius? That’s….Yeah, I Don’t Care”

  1. accidentalstepmom June 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

    I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this. Especially nipple hair, and the drummer.

    • Don't Make That Face June 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

      LOL! Parents are crazy.
      My nephew does play the drums. He’s pretty bad ass.

  2. marinasleeps June 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

    I totally loved the last comment.
    I want my kids to be super cool. If they are genius thats cool. If not thats cool too.
    Some parents are dumb.
    Its like yea put your 4 year old in a corner and make them study French, its like your already lining the path of loserdom for them!

    • Don't Make That Face June 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

      LOL! I know! We all want what’s best for our kids, but I would like my kid to be a kid, too.

  3. Pkitass June 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    Ha ha ha ha!
    Love’d your post. We as parents can be big douchbags when it comes to our kids.

    • Don't Make That Face June 28, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

      I know! I realize the hypocracy. I work my butt off to send Son to a private high school. However, he’s wild like his dad and needs the nuns to keep him in check. Rather tuition than bail.

  4. carmensadie June 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

    *shakes head* My son can blow snot bubbles. He’s 1.

    AND THAT IS WHAT I AM PROUD OF.

    Sheesh, these upper east-side yuppies are despicable. I can only assume upper east-side because it seems like all the snobbies in movies are from that place. Not that I know where it is.

    • Don't Make That Face June 28, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

      Snot bubbles are cute. It’s what 1 year olds are suppose to do.

      LOL! The upper east side sucks d*^k with all of their designer diaper jeans and cocaine-snorting babies with eating disorders. I can’t stand them…wherever they are. 😉

      • accidentalstepmom June 28, 2011 at 4:22 pm #

        They’re around here. Their moms ram their ATV-wheeled strollers into your ankles on the sidewalk.

      • SimonAndRoni July 2, 2011 at 11:26 am #

        I nanny-ed on the upper east side for 8 years. I would have loved to kick in the veneered teeth of so many mothers.

  5. mairedubhtx June 28, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    Applications and rejections from preschool? Give me a break. No wonder our kids are stressed out. Let them be kids.

  6. But That's For Another Blog June 28, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    That was hilarious! I’m with you, I would have been screwed if they did that when I went to preschool. If I remembered to put pants on my parents thought it was a good day and that was 2nd grade.

  7. trailertrashdeluxe June 28, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    Great post–thought provoking and frickin’ hilarious (no, Bill Gates I did not frickin’ misspell “frickin'” , you nerdpack; you can stick that squiggly red line up…..). Anyway, yeah, I’m so disgusted with these type of parents—kids need to be kids. Mine learned the alphabet and some numbers and other odds and ends in preschool, and how to share with other kids and be respectful of teachers and other kids. I’m thinking that’s enough for preschool.

    • Don't Make That Face June 29, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

      These parents aren’t doing their kids any favors. You know what’s more important than “paint your feelings time” and violin lessons? NAP TIME! My kid better have napped or I will collect the tears in a jar from the inevitable meltdown later that night and splash the teacher’s face with it the next day as I say, “That, Miss Smith, is what my feelings taste like”

  8. Mutterschwester June 28, 2011 at 6:13 pm #

    Funny, especially the nipple hair. Ahh the things that aren’t often aired. Nipple hair.

    I have never felt that kind of pressure, and I’ve only seen a twinge of it. I think we kind of self-select that sort of thing a lot. I specifically stayed away from certain pre-schools because of too much tension or not enough. I don’t need them counting dollar bills any more than I want them learning which crystal will change their chakras. In the end, I chose a school based on three main things: Was it clean? Could I walk there? Did they take a three-year-old who wasn’t potty trained? And there you go.

    • Don't Make That Face June 29, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

      Was it clean? Could I walk there? Did they take a three-year-old who wasn’t potty trained? And there you go.- all you need.

      I agree that we put that pressure on ourselves, and then on our kids.

  9. thesinglecell June 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm #

    I echo accidentalstepmom and I would like to point out that your response to Parent #7 is almost exactly what I told her about her #5 and his graphic t-shirt on school picture day. I hate parents who think their kids are brilliant. I work with a guy who insisted his daughter was speaking at nine months. Considering he himself is a walking malapropism, says “opposed” instead of “supposed,” and I just heard him direct someone to “Sumner Street, S-U-M-T-E-R, Sumner,” I figured the poor child was doomed. These parents need to realize it’s not necessarily that their child is brilliant; it’s that they themselves are idiots compared to which their child just SEEMS brilliant. (No offense to your sister, who I’m sure is not like this.)

    • Don't Make That Face June 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

      I get the “pitcher” (as opposed to “picture).

      I loved the bacon t-shirt post by Accidental Stepmom. She’s hilarious, but #5? I have to buy that kid a drink someday.

  10. LA Juice June 28, 2011 at 10:18 pm #

    My good friend applied to an elite Brentwood pre-school when her baby turned 6 months. She was turned down for applying too late. TOO LATE!!!!! Memo recieved, the next time my period is late, I am signing little T-rex up. Can’t turn a possible fetus down can they?

    • Don't Make That Face June 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

      Well, what do you expect? That child is nearly grown! How is that poor ignorant child suppose to keep up with the others if its mother waits until it is 6 MONTHS OLD to apply? Your friend has already failed her child. That kid doesn’t stand a chance.

  11. Nicole, the Queen of this life June 29, 2011 at 8:06 am #

    Oh hell yes! I think our kids should hop over there and punch those crazy parents in the crotch! And then we should give them high fives and tons of candy coated ice cream!

  12. fnkybee June 29, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    Mom like this I want to punch in the back of the head. The whores.
    Parent #7 – Your comment – My Favorite!

  13. irratebass June 29, 2011 at 8:59 am #

    Lol, great post! My brother was kicked out of preschool for kicking the teacher in the chins.

  14. Anonymous Betty June 29, 2011 at 9:02 am #

    I used to be one of those annoying parents … now my kids are smarter than me and I’m screwed.

    Just sayin …

    • Don't Make That Face June 29, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

      I know what you mean. I’m always on Son to do his homework, and he bitches. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thank the Lord it’s his homework and not mine.

  15. Nicole June 29, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    This is awesome – your comment for Parent #1 and Parent #2 are above and beyond hilarious. LOVE THEM!

    I’m proud to say that I learned to read while sitting in the time-out chair at my preschool/daycare. What else was I supposed to do? The fire extinguisher was hanging right beside me and there were lots of words on the warning label. I thought I was super-cool.

    I don’t have a kid, but if I did, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he/she will have my Husband’s crude sense of humor and they’ll make somebody cry while Husband and I are laughing out loud. GO KID! I wanna go make a baby now.

    • Don't Make That Face June 29, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

      I was too busy talking to myself to ever get in trouble, but you were a pretty bass ass kid. I like it.
      Thanks for checking in. Now, go and make that baby 😉

  16. thoughtsappear July 5, 2011 at 9:25 am #

    “Parent #2: My son was speaking in complete sentences at 9 months.”

    Love it! I bet their son is like Stewie from The Family Guy.

  17. momfog July 9, 2011 at 1:06 am #

    Oh, how I’ve missed reading your stuff while I’ve been away. I’m looking for a daycare for my almost 2-year-old and all I’m hoping for is a place at least as clean as my house (not a very high standard) and close proximity to work. Good God, if I wanted to raise a kid this way I would’ve just inserted a stick in her ass at birth and save the tuition.

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