The Rapture is Just Days Away. What to Wear?

19 May

Holy shit, you guys!  I totally almost forgot about the mother f-in Rapture (when some say believers will be taken to heaven and others will be left on earth for about five months of torment) this weekend!  I’m posting this a day early so you don’t make the same mistake.  You’re welcome.

I can’t blame my End of Days forgetfulness on work, finals, and alcohol, though. I blame Target.  They’ll probably start putting their Christmas stuff out tomorrow, but do you think they had their Dooms Day decorations out?!  No, they did not.  I’m sorry, but isn’t The Rapture just as important as Sweet Baby Jesus’s birthday?  I would think so.  Way to go, Target.  Just for that, I hope there’s no Target in heaven (I don’t mean that).

Also, I’m sorry, but I was originally told that Judgment Day would come on September 6, 1994 which was really annoying, because I planned a huge Heaven, Earth, Hell party back in ’94.   I didn’t appreciate going through the trouble of making sure I had all the music, food, booze, and drugs in order only to have everyone but the guest of honor show up.  It was embarrassing and it was rude.  So, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t roll out the red carpet out for JC on Saturday. 

Finally, I understand that some people really do believe that Saturday is “the” day.  But, before you go and stock up on hundreds of cans of creamed corn and bottled water, I want you to really think about this.  

Please don’t send an email to your boss on Friday night asking him to kindly suck a fat one.  I’m just trying to save you that  “drank until that guy at the party looked more and more like Bradley Cooper, had sloppy drunk sex with him, passed out, and didn’t know where you were in the morning walk of shame feeling” when you wake up on Sunday and realize, “Shit.  I’m pretty sure I”m fired.” 

I don’t want anyone to panic, though.  I’m fairly confident we’ll all still be here come Monday morning.  At least, I hope so.  I have gift certificate for a spa appointment that expires on Tuesday, and I was really hoping to get a mani/pedi.

*Thanks to J for the title.


46 Responses to “The Rapture is Just Days Away. What to Wear?”

  1. Invisible Mikey May 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    It sure better not be the Last Day. I have tickets for Leo Kottke!

    “Will this wind that shall rise be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the Earth?”
    “No, it will not be quite as mighty as that. That is why we have come up ON the mountain, you stupid git.”
    — The End of the World sketch (from Beyond the Fringe)

  2. momfog May 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    I, for one, would welcome it. Summer break officially starts Monday. I’ll take anything that rescues me from that Hell.

  3. Life Lessons May 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    Laughing so hard at work and people are looking at me. Damn you Target! (heck, why not blame *everything* on Target)

  4. Christine @ quasiagitato May 19, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    So…assuming I don’t die…it will be hard for me to tell the difference between “5 months of torture” and “business as usual.” I just want to get it right. The rapture doesn’t come along every day.

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

      I’m pretty sure the difference will be the heat. Sort of like an Indian Summer.

  5. irratebass May 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    You’re wrong, the Rapture is 12/21/12…..we still have time to repent.

    • walker webber May 19, 2011 at 2:39 pm #

      perhaps your referring to the DEC 21st 2012 fantasy of the planet nibiru !!! Maybe you better look at whats going on in the world NOW!!! Tomorrow may very well be your last laugh!!!

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 2:56 pm #

      Nice, like I’m not busy enough around the holidays. Do I Christmas shop or not?!

    • Invisible Mikey May 19, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

      Uh…you mis-spelled repaint.

  6. thesinglecell May 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    Nearly spewed orange juice out my nose reading this. I’ve found myself categorizing my to-do list for this occasion. But really… what DO you wear? And is this shade of red nail polish too whore-ish for the Lord?

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 2:55 pm #

      The red needs to be have more of a pinkish tone to it. Then, you can get away with it.

  7. fnkybee May 19, 2011 at 1:02 pm #

    I am pissed I misse your party in 94! Damn it!
    I want to have drunken sex with Bradley Cooper. I heart him..I would eat him.
    Me and a couple of others already have beer on ice for Saturday. You joining us?

  8. Mutterschwester May 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    Okay. Now I have the theme for my husband’s birthday party. Heaven-Purgatory-Hell. I’m inviting all his colleagues!

  9. Happytown May 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    Just to be on the safe side, I am going to avoid driving all day Saturday. You don’t want to be on the road when all the chosen ones get plucked from behind the wheel of their moving cars. Of course, most of them probably have “Jesus is my copilot” bumperstickers, so maybe there’s nothing to worry about.

  10. Carmen May 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm #

    Hmmm…I am torn between Kate Middleton’s wedding dress (a knock-off clearly) and butt-assed nekkid…

    • walker webber May 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

      you wont be so smug when the 40 ft JESUS comes down tomorrow!!! Not just you but all you mockers of Gods word!! have a nice 5 months of hell , then in oct you and all thats left on earth will be destroyed!!
      so have a nice long belly laugh today, as it might well be your last day for laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm #

        Was I being smug? That’s weird. I meant to come off as a total a-hole.
        Also, is Jesus 40ft tall or is a 40ft tall JESUS coming down (like a statute)? I would think the real Jesus would make an appearance, don’t you?
        And, is he coming tomorrow? Did I get the date wrong, again? I thought it was Saturday. If it is tomorrow, this really throws a kink in plans.
        And, you’re welcome for the nice long belly laugh, because I picture more of a giggling Japanese Geisha gingerly covering her mouth.
        See you in heaven!

      • accidentalstepmom May 20, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

        I bummed out to think that Godzilla is bigger than Jesus. I feel like Jesus should be bigger.

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

      The dress for sure!

  11. walker webber May 19, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    I pray for all you who mock at the wordsof God, and the rapture date, i hope you are smart enough to bend your knees tomorrow, and look up and say LORD i needyou , make the first step and he will do the rest!!!

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

      Thank you for your prayers and your judgment.

    • PiedType May 19, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

      Oh, well, if all it takes is a quick last-second prayer, I’m golden. Party on!

  12. Brown Road Chronicles May 19, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    Well, from what you told me you won’t be wearing panties or slacks… but make sure you have on a killer blouse! Thanks for the warning though, I had no idea the end was here. That blows!

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

      LOL! I better search my grandma’s closet for the perfect polyester blouse. And, don’t be bummed. Heaven is like a really long tropical vacation without the traveler’s diarrhea.

  13. Thypolar May 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    I decided that if the world is coming to an end, I’m going out wearing a hospital gown with my bare ass hanging out the back. I’ll be walking around town with my drink in hand and it’ll be just like a scene from Fallout Vegas. Shit! Maybe that’s why the PlayStation Network was down. There were no hackers….they were preparing for Rapture.

    (gasp) Gotta run!

    • Don't Make That Face May 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

      This is too cute. I can picture you running like a lunatic down the strip with your little butt hanging out.

  14. ashley0830 May 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    Hilarious blog!!! Love it!

  15. marinasleeps May 19, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

  16. PiedType May 19, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

    Whoever J is, kudos on the title. Otherwise I’d have missed this hilarious post. But seriously, what does one wear to a good ol’ down home rapture?? I’ve never been to one before and haven’t a clue.

    • Don't Make That Face May 20, 2011 at 11:23 am #

      I wish I could help. I, myself, am going to business casual with sensible shoes in case there’s some sort of obstacle course.

  17. ashley0830 May 20, 2011 at 6:55 am #

    God please help some people take a joke

  18. accidentalstepmom May 20, 2011 at 7:55 am #

    We get a who’s in, who’s out sheet every night for the show. Last night our stage managers put a note at the bottom announcing that we will have a Last Supper in their office between shows on Saturday (it’s a pot-luck), and then we’re going to all stand together on stage at 6pm to see who gets saved. The Producers are hopeful there will be enough of us left to do the show.

    I think the odds are in their favor.

    • Don't Make That Face May 20, 2011 at 11:21 am #

      That sounds like a lot of fun. What dish will you pass for The Rapture?
      I feel like this selection process is going to much like kickball on the 1st grade playground where I stand against the wall and try to look like I don’t care if I get picked last but inside I’m screaming “PLEASE PICK ME NEXT!”

  19. Craig & Joe Ardolino May 20, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

    I be in Disney World for the weekend, so I’m all set in the Happiest Place on earth. I’ll try to keep the kids away from “It’s A Small World” on Saturday. This way if the world ends I will have saved myself an additional twenty minutes of pure torture!

    • Don't Make That Face May 20, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

      It’s a Small World is exactly how I picture life for those poor souls left behind after The Rapture. Have fun!


  1. Call me daft; I’m not into Judgment Day | Pied Type - May 19, 2011

    […] If you’re making plans for the big day, you might want to read “The Rapture is Just Days Away. What to Wear?” […]

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