I’m No Michael Vick, But Still….

17 May

I ran over a dog once.  It was a traumatic experience for a couple of reasons.

I was driving my old piece of shit Ford Bronco. (It should be noted that I hated this car so much that if it were a person I would have challenged it to an MMA fight wherein I would have mercilessly wrassled it to the ground, punched it in the kidneys, head butted it, gauged its eyes out, and then stomped on its nuts.  But, I digress.)   

Our neighborhood is full of kids who like to dart out into the road at any given moment which is why I was white knuckling the steering wheel and going about 2 miles an hour.

Sure enough, I saw an empty skateboard fly out from a driveway, and quickly slammed on my breaks while I waited for Joey Deathwish to run out and grab it.  It was then that I felt a very subtle “bump”.  My heart quickly fell to my stomach.  I knew I hadn’t run over a child (thank God), but I definitely hit something.  

I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a black lump sitting in the middle of the road.  I pulled over, tried to get my shakes under control, and walked over to what I thought was a cat.  It wasn’t.  It was a little black dog, and it was definitely dead. 

I immediately broke down.  I searched for the family. I fought the urge to vomit as I realized I was going to have to introduce myself to these people as  the evil bitch who  just killed their dog. 

I found the family outside the apartment building down the block, and through tears and snot told the first person I saw that I had just hit a dog.  Just then I heard a woman scream “NOOOOOO!” as she frantically looked around for her dog.

I was a mess.  I apologized and tried to explain what happened.  Just then the woman’s husband came marching over to me and chewed me a new a-hole.  I would have been scared if I wasn’t such a basket case.  I was a dog murderer. I deserved it. 

A neighbor who had witnessed the whole thing came to my rescue.  She explained that it was an accident, that I had immediately pulled over, that I found them, and that I was done talking.  She walked me back home where I relived the entire nightmare a second time for Hubby.

After a few days the nightmares started to fade, and I tried put the whole thing behind me.  Then, one night, on the 10:00 local news, I saw what looked like “the” apartment building down road.

I watched through tunnel vision as the heavily made-up news anchor pointed to “the” apartment building down the road while saying words like “dog” and “abuse” and “beaten to death” .  My heart was beating a mile a minute as I waited for the police to kick in my front door.  Could this be happening?! 

As it turns out, the grief-stricken family decided to dispose of the poor dog’s body in the apartment building dumpster instead of bury it.  The body was found by a tenant who thought the dog had been beaten to death.  She called the police.  Apparently, people don’t like the thought of a dog being beaten to death.  Who knew?

I ultimately relived the nightmare a third time when I called the police station to explain what had really happened. 

Readers, this is an example of how things in my life have a tendency to snowball.  It’s why I write this blog.

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21 Responses to “I’m No Michael Vick, But Still….”

  1. danielleq May 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm #

    Oh, I teared up. Don’t tell me these stories… I cry a little every time I see a furry lump on the side of the road. When I was pregnant, I sobbed. I usually try to pretend its an opossum because they are icky. Sometimes it works.

  2. momfog May 17, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    That’s awful! I’ve never hit a dog but I’ve hit countless bunny rabbits and that was bad enough. It’s crazy how things get blown completely out of proportion. Sorry for your trauma. 😦

    • Don't Make That Face May 17, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

      It was awhile ago, and by posting about it, I’m finally putting that pig to rest.

  3. irratebass May 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm #

    Wow! Now that was a story, sorry you have to live through this….sad stuff.

    • Don't Make That Face May 17, 2011 at 2:03 pm #

      LOL! I didn’t mean for it be so sad. What a downer I am. The way the whole thing played out is sort of comical now. That being said, did you squirt some? Did you cry? Did you?

  4. Amy May 17, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

    This is so hilariously sad! Having to call the cops and defend those dog-thrower-awayers? How awful. But funny, too. So glad that you have this blog!

    I hit a barely grown golden retriever once. Kids were playing with it in a front yard and it just ran right out in front of me. I was hysterical like you were, snot bubbles and everything. The kids just looked at me like the Children of the Corn, shrugged and said it wasn’t my fault then went inside. So weird.

    • Don't Make That Face May 17, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

      The whole thing was just too outrageous.
      Umm, that shit aint right. Do you live near Stepford? Those kids mus have been robots or something.

  5. mairedubhtx May 17, 2011 at 5:28 pm #

    What a terrible experience for you. I know you did all you could. The family couldn’t have loved their dog that much to dispose of it that way. My cat died at home and I brought her to the vet to be cremated, the way you should. Good for you for having the courage to write about this.

  6. LA Juice May 17, 2011 at 11:16 pm #

    Holy crap. I want to beat the shit out of that bronco for you. It was clearly the mothra faulking Bronco’s fault. Fuck that car.

  7. marinasleeps May 18, 2011 at 1:25 am #

    Dude the title was hilarious … the story was soooo sad!

    • Don't Make That Face May 18, 2011 at 11:33 am #

      It was soooo sad, yes. But, it took a hilarious turn which is why I wanted to share it.

  8. Brown Road Chronicles May 18, 2011 at 7:51 am #

    Sorry you hit that poor, sweet, adorable, little innocent dog whose owners were trashy hillbillies. That must have been very traumatic.

  9. Life Lessons May 18, 2011 at 11:16 am #

    Funny you should write this yesterday. I was just thinking yesterday morning that I needed to start taking an alternate route to work because of all the road kill. Just as I was thinking it, a squirrel decided it wanted to tempt death and darted out in front of me. Thankfully I didn’t hit it. Sorry you had to experience this!

    • Don't Make That Face May 18, 2011 at 11:30 am #

      What’s up with Kamikaze animals…and children? When I drive through my neighborhood I get lighted headed from holding my breath the entire time.

  10. Pkitass May 18, 2011 at 5:41 pm #

    First I must say thank you for doing the right thing and stopping to look for and let the owners know about their pet. A couple of years ago 2 of my doggies got out and got hit by a car. They didn’t even stop to check if they were alive or not. One died on impact the other died later that night.
    A “I’m sorry” would have helped me a bit I think

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 8:47 am #

      Oh my goodness, Pkitass! I’m so sorry to hear about your puppies. I don’t understand how someone can hit a pet and just leave it to die. The person who hit your dogs is a heartless, soulless monster. Bastard.

  11. accidentalstepmom May 18, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

    So I’m totally tearing up until I get to the part where it comes on the news, and then I’m cracking up having to explain to my husband what’s funny, and I’m all “dead dog, news, HAHAHA!”

    I’m such a dick.

    But you, DMTF, are not, because even though the man with the dead dog was super mean to you, you bailed his sorry-not-giving-a-shit-for-proper-respectful-disposal-of-the-dead-procedures ass out when you could’ve let him get sent away for animal abuse. HAHAHAHA!

    I’m such a dick.

    I hold my breath in my neighborhood too. It’s scary.

    • Don't Make That Face May 19, 2011 at 8:42 am #

      You’re a dick and I’m an a-hole. We’re like sisters!

      It was so sad, but so my life that the one time I hit a dog it makes the news. Even though I’ve never been arrested I was waiting for them to flash a really crazy mugshot of me with my hair all matted and my mascara running.

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