Someone Else’s Junk Is Pretty Much Still Junk

16 May

Old people love other people’s things.  Wuelita‘s building has plastic bins in the lobby where people can bring their thrift store donations.  The local thrift store is supposed to then send someone over to collect the donations once a week.  I’m pretty sure that they’ve never had to come.  As soon as someone brings something down, someone else is right there picking it up and hauling it back to their own apartment. 

Wuelita and I were watching her favorite novela at her apartment the other day when I suggested we go out to get something to eat.  Before we left she  shuffled over to the television, followed the cord to the outlet on the wall and gently unplugged it.  I knew right then that the television must have been one of her “finds” at the thrift store donation bins.  I gave her a hard time about it: 

Me:  Let me guess.  You found that TV downstairs?

Wuelita:  Jes!  Can joo be leeb it?!  It’s bran new. Dee only ting wrong is dat it don turn off.

Me:  Umm, you have to unplug it to turn it off and there’s no remote.  Can you even adjust the volume?  Also, how did you get that thing up here?

Wuelita: (laughs).  My fren Esteve/Kiley.

Me:  Steve and Kiley?  Who are they? 

Wuelita:   No “day”.  Eets Esteve/Kiley.  Juan pear-son.

Me:  What kind of name is Steve/Kiley?  Is his first name Steve and last name Kiley? 

Wuelita:  Nooooo.  Es sometimes Esteve and sometimes Kiley.  Any whey, let’s go.  I’m es starving.

As we are walked down the hallway to the elevator I noticed a rather large woman in a house coat and slippers struggling to carry a laundry basket. 

Me:  Let me help you with that.

Old Lady:  (deep Barry White voice)  Why thank you dear.  I’m right down the hall by your grandmother.  (Waves to Wuelita).

You must be Esteve/Kiley

 Wuelita:  Hi !  Joo look beddy preedy too-day.  Do joo like dee lipsteek I buy for joo?

Old Lady:  (very, very excited deep Barry White voice) Oh yes!  Thank you so much, dear.

I dropped the basket off at “Kiley’s” door and ran walked back to the elevator where Wuelita was waiting.   I could hear her giggling as I turned the corner. 

Me:  That must have been Kiley?

Wuelita:  (devilishly laughing) 

Me:  You could have warned me. 

Wuelita:  Why?  Den eets not phone-y. 

Me:  Yeah, well, I was going to take you to Goodwill after lunch to look around.  Now, forget it. 

Wuelita:  (Bent over her cane, tears streaming down her face, victoriously laughing)

Touché, Wuelita.  Touché.

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23 Responses to “Someone Else’s Junk Is Pretty Much Still Junk”

  1. Miz Parker May 16, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    Wuelita FTW.

    • Don't Make That Face May 16, 2011 at 2:05 pm #

      What does that meeeeeeean? I’m dumb when it comes to abbreviations like that.

  2. Boochen Sundance May 16, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

    It means For The Win. All the kids are saying it these days.

    • Don't Make That Face May 16, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

      Ohhh. Thank you sweedy. I’m an 80 year-old when it comes to the kids speak. (IA8YOWICTTKS).

  3. mairedubhtx May 16, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

    LMAO

  4. lexy3587 May 16, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    pure awesomeness… Wuelita is a comic genious!
    Also, your written form of what she’s saying is so perfect… I can hear her talking when I read it 🙂 and almost imagine the evil/innocent grin on her face too!

  5. Ed Williams May 16, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    I’m not sure which was more comical… Wuelita:  “Nooooo.  Es sometimes Esteve and sometimes Kiley.  Any whey, let’s go.  I’m es starving.” OR unplugging the TV that doesn’t turn off!
    Funny stuff!

  6. LA Juice May 16, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

    I love your Wulita and her drag queen neighbor, EsteveKiley. This should be a sitcom.

  7. Thypolar May 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    Has she been to Vegas? Oh my god would she have fun.

    • Don't Make That Face May 16, 2011 at 8:29 pm #

      I’m sure she’d love it. I’m kind of jealous because I’ve been on the hunt for a gay for quite sometime and she’s got herself a tranny.

  8. pissykittyslitterbox.com May 16, 2011 at 7:19 pm #

    Oh, God…I’m a thrift-whore, and I just had a uncomfortable vision of my future.

    • Don't Make That Face May 16, 2011 at 8:29 pm #

      Don’t be so hard on yourself. At least 5 of every 100 things she finds for me at the thrift store are really good finds.

  9. Nicole Welkener May 16, 2011 at 9:43 pm #

    BAAHAHAHAHA!!! This can’t be nearly as funny to those who don’t have a Wuelita that talk like dees. Seriously funny!

    • Don't Make That Face May 17, 2011 at 8:26 am #

      She’s so funny. She sometimes speaks in Spanish, but usually, she uses English- when it’s convenient for her. She likes to act like she doesn’t understand if she doesn’t want to talk to someone.

  10. Redneckprincess May 17, 2011 at 12:50 am #

    Hahahahha…excellent!!

  11. accidentalstepmom May 17, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    I want to be her when I grow up.

  12. marinasleeps May 18, 2011 at 12:15 am #

    Lol …. I love wicked grandmothers!

  13. Pkitass May 19, 2011 at 1:58 am #

    What a cool Wuelita.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I Scream, You Scream We All…Back Dat Ass Up « Don't Make That Face - July 25, 2011

    […] Drama’s experience with classy women and my experience with tranny’s we came up with the following comprehensive “Chick or Dick” checklist which we wrote […]

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