Apparently, You Can’t Be Both?

5 May

Hubby, Son and I went out for burgers the other night.  During dinner Hubby mentioned that he wanted to stop at the nearby mall and walk around.  This never happens.  He hates shopping.  I didn’t want to get overly excited so I coolly responded, “That’s cool.”

Son, with an eye roll so exaggerated I thought for sure his eyeballs were gone forever, responded with a whiny, “Nooooooooooooo.  Pleeeeeeeeeease.  I don’t want to go to the mall with you guys.  No offense.”

I knew right then the mall wasn’t going to happen because I would rather go home than walk around with a mopey, disgusted, whiney, pouty, eye-rolling teenager.  We’d all be miserable.  But, being the extremely inappropriate and weird person I am I countered with:

Me:      Ok.  We don’t have to go the mall if you answer one question.

Son:    (Knowing apprehension)  What question?

Me:      First, the rules.  You have to answer the question or we’re going to mall.

Hubby:   And the bookstore.

Me:      Nice.

Son:    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahg.  What?

Me:      Are you a boob guy or an ass guy?

Son:    No way!  I’m not answering that.

Hubby:     Cool.  I really need new pants.

Me:      We could stop by Victoria’s Secret, too.  I need panties.  (I hate that word.)

Son:    FINE!  Geez.  You guys are soooooo weird. 

Me:      Soooooooooo…..

Son:    (With his sweatshirt over his face)  Ask me and I’ll either nod or shake my head.  I can’t look at you.

The next day the three of us were driving Drama around on some errands:

Hubby:  So, last night we asked your grandson if he’s a boob guy or an ass guy.

Drama:  Really?!  So, what is he?!

Son:  Why are you guys so weird?

Drama:  Oh, Grandson!  You’re an ass guy like your grandpa, right?!  You gotta be!  (With a remembering and thoughtful gaze out the window) Asses are like magic.  They hypnotize you.  When I was younger, every time grandpa saw a woman all I saw was a round beautiful butt.  No face.  Just butt.  If a girl had the perfect butt, she could drive grandpa crazy.  They’re beautiful. (Heavy, sad sigh) Now, I’m too old. 

The next several minutes were filled with Drama’s detailed descriptions of the most beautiful asses he’s ever seen, and the women they belonged to.  This was followed by an explanation of ass categories (big and juicy, small but round, flat but still nice, wide, etc.).   

The car was silent as we took it all in.  After a few moments of reflection:

Drama: So you see, Grandson.  You have to be an ass guy just like your grandpa. 

Son:  Wait.  So, basically, when you see a woman, you see  a buttface?

Drama:  You’re a boob guy, aren’t you?

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35 Responses to “Apparently, You Can’t Be Both?”

  1. zohrbak May 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    Oh. My. Blog. That was so freakin’ funny. Drama is my second favorite character. Wuelita (sp?) is my favorite! And you are okay, too. ROFLMAO.

    • Don't Make That Face May 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

      Drama is hilarious. Wuelita is sweet and hilarious. I love them both. Glad you liked it.

  2. zohrbak May 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    Thanks for a new and exciting way to torture my 16 year old son, DMTF. Awesomeness.

  3. KristenSays May 5, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    this is hee-larious! and my heart goes out to Son. 😀

    • Don't Make That Face May 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

      I take solace in the fact that he will also grow up a little weird. I think that’s important.

  4. Mutterschwester May 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    Boob or Ass. It’s the new Boxers or Briefs. If only MTV kids had asked THAT to Clinton. It would have saved a lot of impeachment trouble. http://ti.me/cJmGm3

    • Don't Make That Face May 5, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

      I remember that. It was a waste of question. Clearly, Clinton is an ass guys. 😉

  5. mairedubhtx May 5, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    LMAO

  6. Nicole Welkener May 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    I MUST archive this for later reference. I have to remember to use this on my son when he’s a teenager and doesn’t want to do anything I tell him.

  7. marinasleeps May 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    This was effin hillllaarrrious <— I sung that for added emphasis!
    If I was a dude I wouldnt be able to pick … they both have some fine features!!
    So if a guy can narrow it down … damn thats love. In the purest form!!!

    • Don't Make That Face May 5, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

      Thank youuuuuuuuu! (Also sung)

      I guess guys clearly have a preference. Yes, they like the whole package, but 9 times out of 10 if you ask a guy what his preference is, he has one.

  8. Invisible Mikey May 5, 2011 at 12:38 pm #

    This was just hilarious. It’s such harmless fun to make teens uncomfortable. They get so serious.

    (Apparently, I can’t be either. Voices have always been the main physical attractor for me. I must be an audeur.)

    • Don't Make That Face May 5, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

      It’s harmless fun and reminds him to take life less seriously. I also like to remind him that we’ve been there, done that. We might actually know somethings.

      Eyes do it for me.

  9. fnkybee May 5, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    Just too funny! I can’t wait till my son is order so this level of torture can start! The current level of torture is getting old. haha!

    • Don't Make That Face May 5, 2011 at 10:20 pm #

      My weirdness hardly phases my son so when I get a rise out of him, I feel victorious.

  10. The Wandering Mind May 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm #

    Too freaking funny. Thanks, I needed this.

  11. Boochen Sundance May 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm #

    Butts, definitely. Though, as we approach the warmer months I’m noticing boobs a lot. Yes, I like boobs a lot. But butts… mmm.

    I happen to like the word panties but I like underpants even more. And why wouldn’t I? You find butts in them! 🙂

  12. momfog May 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm #

    My son is 12. Do you think it’s too early to ask him that question? I don’t mind embarrassing him but I don’t want to scar him for life.

    “Panties” is a TERRIBLE word. There’s no way to say it without sounding like a pervert.

    • Don't Make That Face May 6, 2011 at 10:00 am #

      12 is too early. You have to wait until you’ve heard him make a few comments about women or sex in general. The first time I heard my son say he though some chick was “hot” it gave me the green light.

      P.S.: Panties.

  13. Redneckprincess May 5, 2011 at 11:26 pm #

    Hahahahahah, I torture my kids regularly too, ain’t it fun???

    • Don't Make That Face May 6, 2011 at 9:58 am #

      It’s sooo fun! I only hope that someday he will appreciate my weirdness. Or not. It’s still fun.

  14. Emily May 6, 2011 at 9:35 am #

    I am so incredibly excited that I found your blog. This was hilarious!

  15. Thypolar May 6, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    LMAO!!!!! That has to be the best torture ever! Although, my son openly talks to me and would just answer me. Please hold while I ask him………

    he says boobs! He’s a boob man.

    I’ll have to search for an alternative means of torture.

    • Don't Make That Face May 6, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

      LOL! My son forgets that his father was once a horny teenager and that, I may have had to deal with a few back in the day. To him, we’ve always been old.
      Let me brainstorm some means of torture for you.

      • Thypolar May 6, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

        Thanks! I’m always searching for reliable sources of torture 🙂

  16. Sweetrivers May 6, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    I personally like both. Nuff said.

  17. trailertrashdeluxe May 8, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    It’s like “Drama” was taking the words out of my mouth. Although I love women’s faces, hair, and legs, I’m an ass-man like I’m right-handed, to the point of having to remind myself that I’m a human, not a bull in a feedlot looking at cows butts, and need to look, not stare! I think “breast-men” are slow in the head, like people that use too much salt. You are hilarious; why I haven’t subsribed yet, I’ll never know.

    • Don't Make That Face May 9, 2011 at 1:41 pm #

      Thanks for signing up! What took you so long? 😉
      See, guys definitely have a preference, and they feel pretty strongly about it.

  18. Pkitass May 9, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

    Stupid “Like” button isn’t working so I’ll
    Star and heart you
    ❤ฺ ♡ ❤ฺ☆★☆
    Aww what fun it is to shock or embarrass teens. My daughter is also 16 and I love to tease her.
    Although she is starting to give me some nice witty replys.

    • Don't Make That Face May 10, 2011 at 11:57 am #

      I love when Son gives it back. I like to encourage him to be weird. Not so serious.

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