Equal Opportunity Brawler

3 May

My friend “A” called the other day to ask if I would be interested in seeing Def Leppard in concert this Summer (no, I’m not).  That reminded me of something.

One warm Summer night a few years ago, Hubby and I went with “A” and her boyfriend see a local reggae band.  I was particularly excited because I love the band, and because the bar served killer margaritas.  The combination of the weather, music, and fruity drinks is what Summer is all about for me. 

As the band played and the drinks went down, I noticed there was a woman standing directly in front of the stage.  There were about four empty beer bottles and a few empty margarita glasses on the table next to her.  She was very pretty and had this long straight dark hair that swayed back and forth with the beat of the music.  She struggled to maintain her balance. 

The band played the first few notes of “Three Little Birds” and “A” grabbed my arm and screamed “I LOVE THIS SONG!  LETS DANCE.”  She whisked me away toward the front of the crowd and we danced to the music.

Things were getting pretty tight on the dance floor.  As the crowd pushed us closer and closer to the stage I noticed we were also moving closer to Miss Sway-zee .   “A” accidentally bumped into her, and quickly apologized with a sincere “Sorry, hon.  It’s so crowded in here.”

But, Miss Sway-zee wasn’t having it.  She responded with a glare so cold I could see my breath.  “A” was taken aback, “Whatever”, “A” said as I pulled her away.

A few moments later I saw Miss Sway-zee leave her post and stumble towards us.  I immediately got the feeling that this wasn’t going to end well.  I slammed my margarita and prepared for the worse.

Sure enough, just as Miss Sway-zee passed us, she dropped her shoulder right into “A’s” causing “A” to spill her drink all over herself.

A:  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

BB:  *blink, blink*

A:  You need to move along. 

BB:  *glassy-eyed stare*

A:  WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

BB:  *Sway. Stumble. Sway*

A:  You know what?!  You’re wasted.  Just get out of my face.

BB:  *Nothing*

A:  Are you deaf?!  I said get out of my face.

Then, it hit me.  The evening’s scenes played in a montage in my head-  M. Knight Shyamalan style.

  • Miss Sway-zee  had been glued to the front of the stage the entire night-  not even a  foot away from a huge speaker. 
  • When “A” apologized for bumping into her, Miss Sway-zee acted as though she hadn’t heard her. 
  • The verbal exchange that had just happened was literally falling on deaf ears. 

I grabbed “A’s” arm and slurred into her ear, “I’m pretty sure she is deaf.”

Just then a woman came flying across the room yelling, “Stop! ” The woman, who was a close friend to Miss Sway-zee, explained to us that her friend was indeed, deaf. 

“A” was immediately embarrassed.  She turned to apologize to Miss Sway-zee .  “I’m sorry”, she said.  At that moment, Miss Sway-zee grabbed “A’s” face and mouthed with 100% exaggeration and sarcasm,  “F&#K YOU”.

“A” is not proud of what happened next.  But, I can say that Miss Sway-zee didn’t get any special treatment that evening.  “A” is definitely an equal opportunity ass kicker.

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23 Responses to “Equal Opportunity Brawler”

  1. momfog May 3, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    Sometimes even deaf people need to get the mess kicked out of them. Anyway, where did the notion that all deaf people are saints come from? In my opinion, deaf jerks have been getting away with far too much for far too long.

    Did I really just type that?

    • Don't Make That Face May 3, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

      LOL! My sister had a run in with someone who was deaf that was much worse than this.
      And, yes. You did just type that.

  2. lexy3587 May 3, 2011 at 1:15 pm #

    she definitely deserved it. Since she didn’t make it clear that she was deaf/didn’t hear you when she didn’t hear the apology, she can’t be pissed off that you didn’t know. it’s not like she was wearing ‘i’m deaf’ signs.

    • Don't Make That Face May 3, 2011 at 1:16 pm #

      That’s what I thought. Deaf does not equal douche.

    • zohrbak May 3, 2011 at 4:19 pm #

      I like the idea of people with certain disabilities being required to wear signs in public, when it is determined by a panel of third parties that that person may becomes inebriated. I really do like that.

      • Don't Make That Face May 4, 2011 at 10:54 am #

        Absolutely! A sign would be perfect. It can apply to everyone. Examples of good signs to wears:
        I’m a mean drunk and will probably want to fight you.
        I’m a slutty drunk and will probably hit on your boyfriend/husband.
        I’m a crier.
        I’m a philosophical drunk and will probably want to discuss the meaning of life.
        I’m a drunk dancer/singer/comedian and will probably think I’m the best one ever.

  3. Boochen Sundance May 3, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

    Deaf has nothing to do with this chick being drunk and belligerent.

    • Don't Make That Face May 4, 2011 at 10:57 am #

      Word. Like A, I’m an equal opportunity Bitch. Just ask the paperboy who keeps throwing my paper on my neighbor’s lawn. I mean, ex-paperboy.

  4. Sweetrivers May 3, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

    Cool story and funny too. Way to go for “A”. It doesn’t matter if she was deaf or not. BB was being irrisponsible to let her self get into a state like that. Deaf or not BB was still being a asshat, S**t head. Deaf does not exempt you from bing a jerk.

  5. Thypolar May 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

    LMAO! Being deaf doesn’t give you the right to be a “twat waffle”. See? See how I just did that? I said twat waffle (giggle)

    Seriously, A has nothing to be embarrassed about. Nuff said!

  6. marinasleeps May 3, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    Dude…. A is one cool chick. I would have smacked her hours ago!

  7. zohrbak May 3, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    Here’s my only question: Are there photographs? Just wondering.

  8. The Good Greatsby May 3, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

    If you avoid kicking the trash out of a person who deserves it, just because they’re deaf, that’s discrimination. You have a social obligation to kick that trash.

    • Don't Make That Face May 4, 2011 at 10:51 am #

      You are so right. The last thing I want to be accused of is being a bigot. I have a social responsibility to kick the trash out of people who have it coming.

  9. Redneckprincess May 3, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

    Absolutely agree Greatsby…being deaf doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.

  10. Invisible Mikey May 4, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    I mentally file these under “war stories”, in other words behavior that makes sense only in the context of placing yourself in harm’s way. I still love music, but I don’t do crowds anymore. I dance at weddings or on a ballroom floor. It’s also true that people who are drunk or high aren’t really dancing. They are moving with enthusiasm and no particular control, though they might remember it differently the next day. (“I was sooo good. Where’s the Advil?”)

    I’m now too old and slow to throw a decent punch, but I can still run fast, and I’m always wearing comfortable shoes. Last time an eediot tried to confront me physically, three seconds later I faintly heard them call “hey!” from dozens of yards behind me. My violated honor healed a lot faster than a broken nose would have.

    I definitely enjoyed revisiting this way of living, and don’t wish to return to it 🙂

    • Don't Make That Face May 4, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

      I’m with you, Mikey. I’m definitely a lover, not a fighter. My mouth and legs have gotten out of many physical altercations.
      Drunk dancers are the best when you’re sober because you realize just how fabulous they think they are. Priceless.
      Also, who would want to pick a fight with you? That’s impossible.

  11. Craig & Joe Ardolino May 4, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

    Def Leppard? That is like a blast from the past. I’ll go and bring “A” and Miss Sway-zee. Dress Miss Sway-zee with a deaf sign on her back and “A” in a leopard costume! 🙂

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