Know Your Triggers

2 May

*Here’s a little known secret about Yours Truly:  Libraries make me poop.

You don't say.

I can’t explain it.  If I’m in a library for more than five minutes, I gotta go.

Part of the mystery that is my poop trigger is that it doesn’t matter  if I use the restroom before I leave or when I arrive.  Five minutes+a library=Poop. 

 When I was in elementary school, the computer lab which stored our Commodore 64s was located in the library.  I was too young, then, to pinpoint my poop trigger, but my teacher was all over it.  Everyday on my way to the library my teacher would make sure I visited the little girl’s room.  It was all in vain, however.  Without fail, five minutes into class, I had to go. 

In high school I avoided taking study halls because they were located in the library.  The hump back librarian (she literally had a hump back) was not very subtle. Every bathroom pass she handed out was accompanied with the announcement:  “You have five minutes.”    I’m sorry, but you can’t rush such things.   So, I didn’t take study hall.  I instead opted for Spanish V, which I didn’t need. 

College was particularly challenging as I was a frequent visitor to the library, and it’s bathrooms.  My favorite study nook was located in the music section of the library next to a window that overlooked the lake.  The problem was that my preferred bathroom was on the 2nd floor (the toilets on the 3rd floor were weak flushers, and the locks on the stalls never worked). 

Everyday, I would unpack my backpack, set everything up just the way I like it,  and five minutes later I would pack everything up for my shameful dash to the 2nd floor.  This happened every day.  Frustrating.

On Saturday Son informed me 15 minutes before our public library was closing for the weekend that he needed to check out some books for a paper he will be working on this week.  I knew I could get him there in five minutes, but he would need my help if he was going to find all of his books before closing time.  That would take at least……………………five minutes.

I had no choice. If we were going to be successful I had to explain my poop trigger to Son.   I explained to him that he needed to be on his game, attentive, and thorough on his search for the books.  We agreed to divide his list, split up, and meet at the checkout desk in precisely five minutes.  (It should be noted that Son did not bat an eyelash.  He is used to my weirdness and likes a challenge).  We pulled into the parking lot, made a bet on who would be done first, and went our separate ways.

Our mission was successful. 

We were celebrating our awesomeness on our way out the door when I heard someone call my name.  *Stopped dead in my tracks*  It was an old teacher of mine.  I didn’t have time.  It wouldn’t take long for my body to realize where I was.  If I stayed and chatted the only thing I would have heard was “blah, blah, blah, I HAVE TO POOP, blah.”

Son saw the panic wash over me and…..this brings a tear to my eye….he saved me.  He politely interrupted, introduced himself, and with a wink reminded me that we had to get to the store before it closed.  With that, we were free to go, and I was very grateful. 

Am I teaching Son how to lie?  Yes.  Yes I am.  However,  I’m also teaching him to someday save his wife or girlfriend from having to talk to someone she hasn’t seen in years when she really has to poop.  I think that’s a very valuable lesson.

*This isn’t true at all.  In fact, I think a lot of people knew this about me.  It’s also now on the internet so it’s not really a secret anymore.  So, nevermind the “secret” part.


36 Responses to “Know Your Triggers”

  1. fnkybee May 2, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Food, cigarettes and coffee triggers mine. Seriously I am known to get up from the table mid dinner and have to go. I can look at a cigarette and have to go and one sip of coffee. I am a pooping queen. 🙂 That might be TMI but it fits the post theme today!

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:34 pm #

      LOL! I love that you shared your triggers. Yes, these are infamous triggers. I love that you excuse yourself from the table. “Excuse me, I have to poop”.

  2. Invisible Mikey May 2, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    I hadn’t thought of you as such a regular person until now.
    I also think it’s healthy, though possibly also a physical/ editorial reaction to the content of the libraries you have frequented. (In the Library of Congress, I can hold it for hours, but in a bookmobile – no way.)

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

      Did you think of me as a really weird person? Weird people have to poop, too! The only people who don’t poop are the Duke and Dutchess of Cambridge. That’s a known fact. 🙂

      • Invisible Mikey May 2, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

        I read that “Everyone Poops” book. Were they lying to me??!!

  3. Amy May 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    A 10:30 am on the weekends, I have to make sure that I am somewhere with a clean, well-stocked bathroom. Only during the weekends, though. During the week I’m like a poop camel. It’s weird.

    • Nicole Welkener May 2, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

      OMG I’m the SAME way! Total poop camel except on the weekend. So weird.

      • Amy May 2, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

        Knowing the bathroom habits of complete strangers = Internet Win!

      • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:41 pm #

        I know!

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:36 pm #

      LOL! Poop camel is fabulous! At least you can plan around your business.

  4. Denim May 2, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    Mine is…the last five minutes of driving and or when I can see the farm yard after driving for hours home! I call home only yards away to make my emergency known to everyone!

    LOL…what a post!

    And nice to meet you!

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

      First of all, we are sure to be good friends. Your Gravatar is priceless. I featured that picture here:

      Secondly, it is very considerate of you to give everyone at home a heads up. I’m sure my family wishes I would warn them sometimes. Thanks for stopping by.

      • Denim May 2, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

        Oh great…you and your post are popular!

        Now everyone knows!

        Oh well!

        I checked out your other site…some more good stuff for sure~!

  5. Nicole Welkener May 2, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    SO funny. I had to make a list of things I wanted to mention in my comment because I’m pretty sure your humor and wit would’ve caused me to forget.

    First, this was a secret too! So weird. I wonder just how many people have a library trigger.

    Also, your son kicks ass at life! I especially liked this part: (It should be noted that Son did not bat an eyelash. He is used to my weirdness and likes a challenge). Instantly made me think of my son and our relationship. I’m pretty crazy and he just goes with it. So kudos to you for bredding awesomeness!

    My triggers are on the weekend just like another commenter said. So. Weird. And how funny is it that we all now know each other so intimately. :}

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

      That was my postsecret!! Just kidding, but I could have been.
      Yes, my son kicks total ass. He’s going to make some beautiful, funny, but extremely weird girl the perfect partner some day.
      Also, can I just say that the fact that we are all sharing our poop schedules is incredibly wonderful for me? If this blog were to end tomorrow, this would be the highlight of my hard work.

  6. SimonAndRoni May 2, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    Is it weird that the first thing I thought of was that you must save tons of money on laxitives? Screw making sure you’re stocked on Ex-Lax, you just need to take a quick ride to the library!

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

      Ummm, I just wrote about pooping, so no. Thinking that I must save a ton on laxatives is not weird. 🙂

  7. Thypolar May 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    Holy crap! (pun completely intended) I never looked at it like that. I don’t know what triggers me. Maybe everything does…I’m constantly being told that I’m full of shit!

  8. momfog May 2, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

    As a long time sufferer of IBS with constipation, I must say I’m extremely jealous. I want to be a library pooper, too! So much cheaper and palatable than fiber supplements and Ex-lax.

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

      I’m sorry about your IBS. A very close friend of mine suffers from the same thing. It makes me remember how fortunate I am to have a pooping problem in the first place.

  9. Craig & Joe Ardolino May 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm #

    At least you know what to do if you’re ever constipated! 🙂

  10. Stephen Quammie May 2, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

    Hahaha, I’m sorry but I couldn’t stop laughing. My poop trigger is stress. My flirting trigger is a good song.

    • Don't Make That Face May 2, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

      Nice! My flirting trigger is a good song, too. And, really nice and kind eyes.

  11. marinasleeps May 2, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

    At least your regular and know where to go when you are contipated.
    Too many thats priceless!

  12. mairedubhtx May 2, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

    Great Post.

  13. mairedubhtx May 2, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    Bookstores do it for me.

  14. Pkitass May 3, 2011 at 2:05 am #

    How old is Son if I may ask?
    For some reason my body knows when I’m 5 mins away from the office and then that’s when it hits and it hits hard sometimes I call in advance and say open the door and make sure my bathroom is available cause I gotta gooooo!

    • Pkitass May 3, 2011 at 2:06 am #

      BTW love that you used Adam Carolla’s picture

    • Don't Make That Face May 3, 2011 at 11:00 am #

      Son is 16 going on 32. He knows everything these days so if you have a question you’d like answered, let me know. Besides the know-it-allness he’s a great kid and can be weird like me which is awesome.
      Isn’t it weird that the body just knows? Love the warning.

  15. Ells May 3, 2011 at 5:07 am #

    Good grief – I thought that was just me… libraries make me poop too! But usually only if I’m on my own… which I suppose makes it extra strange. And going round clothes shops on my own sometimes has the same effect.

    Thanks for the highly amusing post!

    • Don't Make That Face May 3, 2011 at 10:57 am #

      It’s got to be something with the books. Shopping is my sister’s trigger. Luckily, bookstores don’t do it for me or we’d never get any shopping done together.

  16. claire May 11, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

    Me too. Libraries, used book stores, and Michael’s Craft Store. Something about the smell of old paper. In fact, when I was pregnant and really constipated, we had a Michael’s down the street. Worked EVERY time.

    • Don't Make That Face May 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

      Nice. It must have something to do with paper. I’m glad you were able to make your trigger work for you. Very crafty.

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