Lions and Tigers and Stupid Little Evil Witches, Oh My!

28 Apr
 It was pouring the other night.  I found the perfect parking spot. Someone stole it.  I tweeted about it:

Notice the “make”?  Do you sense my rage?

I had found the perfect spot, and even though there was no one else in sight, I followed proper parking lot protocol and patiently waited for the spot with my blinker on making sure to give the person pulling out plenty of room. I then congratulated myself on my good fortune. 

 The second that car pulled out, before I even had a chance to take my foot off the brake, some pretty young thing flew into the spot so fast that she had to slam on her breaks in order to avoid a head-on collision with the car parked in front of her.
 
I immediately reacted with a quick, but forceful, beep.  Clearly, the young girl hadn’t seen me waiting for the spot with my blinker on.  I was certain that once she saw my blinker and my “It’s ok, it happens.” smile, she would realize her mistake and humbly back out. These things happen, after all.

So, I beeped and then waited…and waited….and waited.   Nothing.

You know what?  Her car was still running, and she probably just needed a second to accept the fact that she had to find another spot.  That’s fine.  I mean, it would suck to have to walk across the parking lot in this shitty weather.  I felt for her.  But, still.  She needed to move it.  I was already running late.   I better give her another courtesy beep. 

 *Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.*

Oh good!  That got her attention.  Wait.  Did her tail lights just go out?  At the same time?  That’s weird.  Did she just turn her car off?  She did hear me, didn’t she? 

 *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!*

Then, it hit me.  This little shit wasn’t going to move.  She was going to sit in her car like a scared kitten until I pulled away.  Really?   I can play this game you little hussy.  I have all night, a coffee, and a full tank of gas.  I’m going to wait this shit out.  You better get comfortable.  Maybe order some Jimmy John’s.  I. Am. Not. Moving.

But, I didn’t have all night.  My coffee was getting cold, and gas is really expensive.  So, I turned my blinker off, let off the brake and coasted past the Slutmobile; but not before I gave her two of these:

No, really. F&%K YOU!

If you would have been a fly in my car at that very moment you would have heard the most creative and hateful slam poetry you have ever heard:

P&$$Y BALLS.

MOTHER SHIT.

F&*K !

C&*T DAMN DIE-

ISHP XIST JADSFAL!

*Finger snap.  Finger snap.*

I had time to reflect on my anger as I stood in front of the hand dryer in the women’s bathroom in a feeble attempt to dry the front of my shirt, my shoes, and my hair.  

I’m usually a pretty laid back person.   The rage and hostility I felt in that parking lot was not something I was proud of.  I was especially ashamed of the not one, but two, F&*K OFF’s I had given.

But, you know what?  When that little ho’ bag tw*t nugget stole my parking spot it was as though she climbed in the back seat of her car, positioned herself just so, unbuttoned her slut jeans, pulled down her skanky underwear, spread her ass cheeks, plastered them against the rear window, and made her butthole laugh at me. 

So, yeah.  F&!K her.  Twice.

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24 Responses to “Lions and Tigers and Stupid Little Evil Witches, Oh My!”

  1. detrimentalbeauty April 28, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    witch tits. hahaha. Ahh thank you for that one!

  2. fnkybee April 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    Yeah! Fuck Her..TWICE!
    that shit pisses me off to no end. I could go on a whole rant about parking lot bullshit.
    Karma is a bitch and she will get hers..it’s coming for that shit!

    • Don't Make That Face April 28, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

      I was sooo upset, almost irrationally upset.
      If Karma comes for her I hope it’s in the form of Herpes….OF THE MOUTH! I’m not that much of an a-hole, geeez. 🙂

  3. mairedubhtx April 28, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

    I hate that when someone does that to me, and drivers in San Antonio do it all the time because nobody in the city wants to walk anywhere, rain or shine. I don’t have the same reaction as you (I wouldn’t beep because that is futile) but I do confess to using “frank” language in the privacy of my car. I would never confront someone directly. We have concealed weapons laws here and you never know who is packing.

    • Don't Make That Face April 28, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

      You’re right. Beeping was futile, but it was as close to having a temper tantrum that I could get.
      We have “open carry” here in WI, too. It’s good advice to avoid the confrontation.

  4. Mutterschwester April 28, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    I rarely wait for a space, so it doesn’t happen to me often.

    Once, however, I did wait in a covered lot, and there was another car across from me also waiting. She arrived maybe 5 seconds after I did, and she may not have seen me due to the HUGE cars everyone drives – my car is not huge. Had the leaving car backed out the other way, she would have gotten the space. As it was, I got the space.

    Then I ran into her ten minutes later and I felt really bad because she had a kid with her. She said, “Oh, hello again,” very sweetly. I’m sure she had a lot more to say though. 🙂

    Even though I knew I had the “right of space,” I wish I had just let her have it. Oh well. Live and park.

    • Don't Make That Face April 28, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

      I rarely wait, either, but it was pouring, and I had my period.
      This was such a breach of etiquette that it pushed me over the edge. It was her blatant “F U, lady” that got me so upset. It was obvious that I was there first. *Foot stomp, pout*
      Also, had I ran into her, I wouldn’t have confronted her. I would have given her a “You’re dead to me” glare, but that’s it. I’m not big on confrontation. I prefer bitching to the internet, instead.

      • Mutterschwester May 1, 2011 at 11:28 am #

        Well, I’m glad you didn’t pull a Kathy Bates in “Fried Green Tomatoes.” It was fantastic on film, not so good in real life. Flipping the bird can be satisfying though.

  5. Invisible Mikey April 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Ah, anger. That delightful, adrenaline-pumping petty tyrant. I know so well how much fun it can be to be taken over, at least while the stress-inducing event is happening.

    It used to happen to me at least once a week in El Lay. I gave up. Moved away. It still gets crowded even in a town of 9,000. Sometimes I have to park a whole 20 or 30 feet from the store!

    (Consider yourself absolved. You may now flip me off.)

    • Don't Make That Face April 28, 2011 at 3:02 pm #

      I hate feeling that out of control angry. It’s not worth it. Everytime I beeped, I thought “Knock it off and find another spot,” but it was upsetting to me that this woman had no regard for “The Rules.” I’m all for walking. I usually park in the first spot available, but it was so gross out that day. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

      Also, I would never flip you off! 🙂

  6. Thypolar April 28, 2011 at 2:03 pm #

    This reminds me of a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes. Kathy Bates gets her spot stolen in a similar way. You should’ve done what Kathy did. Repeatedly rear-end her and then loudly yell that you are older and have more insurance!

    I died when you tweeted that BTW!

    • Don't Make That Face April 28, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

      Yes! TAWANDA! Isn’t that what she says? I felt like doing that, but you’re right. I don’t have the money or the age to get away with it.

  7. KristenSays April 28, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    what a Nut Brush!!!!! 😉

  8. Boochen Sundance April 28, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

    what a twat waffle.

  9. Amy April 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    That laughing butthole image will stick with me for a while.
    But, yeah, she deserved all the profanities you could fling at her. It makes it worse that she waited for you to leave before she got out of the car. I could almost respect her if she just owned it and walked out of her car like, “Yeah? So what.” Almost.

    • Don't Make That Face April 29, 2011 at 5:34 am #

      I know! If she would gotten out and been like “you win some, you lose some” I would have backed down. but, she stayed there waiting for me to leave. Grrrrrrrr

  10. marinasleeps April 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    Hmm do you have good insurance? Maybe swiping her car a bit would have made the rage lessen.

  11. Carmen April 28, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    This is when a nice newspaper cut out note in your glove box would come in handy:

    I am watching you.

  12. Redneckprincess April 28, 2011 at 8:29 pm #

    Oh man…I so would have got OUT of my car, and MADE the bitch move…people are assholes.

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