Pick Up the Needle, Press Pause, or Turn the Radio Off

25 Apr
 There is a huge double standard in Hispanic culture.  While my male cousins were allowed, and even encouraged, to go out and sow their wild oats, we girls were told horror stories of a young girl who got pregnant by writing a boy’s name on her notebook.  Wuelita would often warn us girls of the dangers of sex:

 Jo nooo, jo can half a baby if joo look at a pee pee.  Neber look at a pee pee.  If joo see juan, joo run away.

My dad (Papi) had three girls- his penance for his wild oats sowing days.  Papi’s biggest fear was that some day some hormone charged, sex on the brain, gets a boner when the wind blows, Latin Lothario was going to swoop in and devirginize one of his daughters. 

Papi, you have nothing to worry about with this guy. I promise.

When I was a Freshman in high school, after one particularly emotional cryfest of an argument with Papi about why he wasn’t allowing me to go to prom with a Senior, Papi decided it was time for us girls to understand where he was coming from.  Apparently, the sex talks given by Mami and Wuelita weren’t stern enough.  So, he sat my sisters and I down at the kitchen table for his own “talk”.

My sisters and I could tell what was coming, and we immediately started giggling.  This was going to be very painful…for Papi.  We were excited.

We pinched each other under the table to stifle our laughs as Papi paced back and forth, back and forth.  He went to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and slammed it.  More pacing.  More giggles.  One more beer.  He was ready:

Girls, it doesn’t matter what boys say.  They just want one thing.  They want to get in your pants.

*Pinch, pinch, pinch*

A boy will tell you you’re beautiful, but what he’s really thinking is that he wants to see you naked.  If he tells you he loves you, it means he’s getting impatient.

*Hysterical giggle fit lasts long enough for Papi have another beer.*

LISTEN! 

Boys are always thinking about sex.  That’s all they want and they’ll say and do anything to get it.  They are liars and cheaters.

By my count, Papi was well on his way to finishing a six-pack.  His eyes were glassy, and he was talking more freely.

Basically, girls, what it comes down to is that I want you to be smarter than those boys.  I don’t want any boys to think of you as just……..p!$$y holes.

He said p!$$y holes.

What followed was a laughing fit so loud, so consuming, so out of control that the only thing I heard in the several minutes that followed was the sound of the screen door slamming shut.  It took us half an hour to realize Papi had left the room.  We had stomach cramps from laughing so hard.  Our faces hurt from the laughter.  Our poor dad.  He didn’t stand a chance. 

When I recounted this tale to my husband years later his only response was a knowing, “Your dad spoke the truth.” 

Huh.

Papi- 1/Devirginizing Sex-Crazed P-hole Lovers- 3 (Sorry, Dad)

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32 Responses to “Pick Up the Needle, Press Pause, or Turn the Radio Off”

  1. Miz Parker April 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    I think all dads have that talk with their daughters! When he held my best friend’s baby daughter, he said to her “Lilly, don’t believe a word any man ever tells you, except for me, and your daddy, and your granddaddy. The rest are all liars.”

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

      I think all men should have that talk with their daughters. I was either the first to get that talk or the only one to get it because I could never understand why my friends believed everything boys told them. It was like they weren’t in on the secret. I think my dad broke some serious guy code when he talked to us.

      • Miz Parker April 25, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

        Is it weird that I hear Gloria’s voice from Modern Family when I read Wuelita?

  2. detrimentalbeauty April 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    Oh I am actually jealous… I never had any “sex talks” Leaving me with no hilarious stories to regale my husband with… And Thank you for writing phoenetically for Wuelita. Serious.

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

      Oh well, you can start the tradition with your children. Just get nice and sauced, first.

  3. Boochen Sundance April 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    Did he actually pronounce it “P!$$y”?
    😛

  4. Jeff Silvey April 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    My daughter is only three now, but she won’t be three forever. I’m not looking forward to “the talk.”

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm #

      Awwww. 3 years old. You have a few more years before you start freaking out.
      I have a 16 year old son, and I don’t think I can use this talk with him. I’ve left that up to my husband. However, I do appreciate the honest insight into the teenage boy head that my dad gave us. It’s as though we knew something they didn’t. It served me well when I was dating. Thanks for reading!

  5. Sweetrivers April 25, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    I had sort of the talk when I was 6 and it was strait mechanics. I think I would have pissed myself laughing if I were there with you. P holes. That’s funny. Yep, it’s a huge double standard, and that sucks.

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

      I got the mechanics talk from my mom and school, but this talk with my dad was hilarious. The double standard stinks, for sure.

  6. Invisible Mikey April 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    Now that’s good theater! You girls knew this would be great comedy, as it always must be when people take something as ridiculous as sexual behavior and try to pretend it’s dead serious. Sure, real consequences, but come on – sex behavior and attitudes are extremely silly, and we all act like idiots in out attempts to follow the rituals. Papi could have just told you that the best “protection” would be to laugh at the pee pee. Instant deflation, rendering the weapon harmless.

    • Invisible Mikey April 25, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

      “in out” – well, that was Freudian. I meant “our”.

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

      I totally agree. My dad was speaking out fear that day and we could smell it on him. He didn’t stand a chance. In his defense, I have had a couple of “talks” with my son and they were much more difficult than I thought they would be. I think it’s because you don’t want to come off as too serious, but there are definitely things you want to make sure you say. I try to foster an open dialogue when him, but he immediately tunes me out. The only things I think he’s gotten from our talks are: 1) It only takes one time 2) No means no 3)Be respectful of women 4)Your dad and I have sex so you can totally tune me out out now that you have that vision in your head.

  7. zohrbak April 25, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    Omigod I think I peed myself while reading this post. “If you see a pee pee, run!” roflmao.

  8. Thypolar April 25, 2011 at 1:42 pm #

    LMAO! I think I just peed a little 😉 I don’t think Salt N Peppa consulted with Papi on their lyrics but p!$$y holes would have fit right in!

    *wiping tears and catching breath*

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

      I love that you got the title!

      • Thypolar April 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

        Will that stop us Pep?

        I doubt it….

        Alright then, come on Spin!

  9. momfog April 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm #

    I’ve never heard P holes before. My dad never, ever talked to me me about sex. He would have preferred the firing squad. The Talk is coming for my daughter and I’m not looking forward to it. I think you were smart to tell your son his parents have sex. The image of any parents having sex is horrible and a complete turn-off.

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

      I think the “talk” is so much harder these days because everything these kids see is wrapped up in sex. Girls want to be sexy, boys think sexy is beautiful, and it’s just scary. Good luck with the talk. I hated every minute of it.

  10. Mutterschwester April 25, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    I don’t know that he’s totally right, but 98% right. Maybe 100% for a certain age (11-23?). I have taught Sex Ed (Sorry, Human Sexuality) many times, and I fully intend to bring out the pictures and explanations. Pregnancy doesn’t scare, but I can show you some pictures of sores and swollen parts that sure scared my inner-city kids. At least for 20 minutes. My husband will then (whether he wants to or not) have the p-hole talk. Oh yes he will!

    • Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm #

      Wow! A Sex Ed teacher? How was that? Did it freak you out how much those kids knew, or didn’t know? Teens and sex scare me. It’s like watching a baby play with a stick of dynamite. *shiver*
      Pictures (I have used this tactic) and p-holes are foolproof.

      • Mutterschwester April 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

        Definitely more scary what the did NOT know. They are much more pussycat than they’d ever let on – girls and boys. That’s what makes it so scary that they *think* they are pressured. I could go on for hours about it. Forget about chicken pox and hpv; I wish there was a vaccine for insecurity and peer pressure.

  11. jaerae1971 April 25, 2011 at 9:05 pm #

    Thank God I have boys.

  12. nursemyra April 26, 2011 at 6:32 am #

    I can’t wait to use the word devirginized tomorrow

    • Don't Make That Face April 26, 2011 at 8:37 am #

      Would love to hear about how you work that into a conversation. Actually, now that I think about it, that will be a fun game to play today here at work. Thanks for the idea.

  13. fnkybee April 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    That was FABULOUS!
    Your Papi hit the nail on the head fo sho. My talk went like this
    Me to my dad “I had sex”
    Dad “Ok I’m calling the doctor tomorrow because now that it has happened it’s not going to stop and you need to be safe”

    Good stuff. 😉

  14. Craig & Joe Ardolino April 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    I had the sex talk with my daughter, it went extremely well. Then I gave her an assortment of condoms and told her never to trust boys to have on of their own. She started laughing like crazy, I still don’t know what was so funny.

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