A Fish Fry, Crab Legs and a Nut Brush

18 Apr

I have wanted to introduce you to my father-in-law since I started writing this blog, but I wanted to discuss it with him first, as well as get his permission.  

This weekend we had a conversation that I believe perfectly sums up his personality.  I took it as a sign.  He granted me his permission after I promised I wouldn’t give him a “pu$$y-ass” pseudonym, such as Alejandro. 

Ladies and Gentlemen:   My father-in-law, Drama:

 Hubby:  Let’s have a fish fry on Friday.  We can have some family and friends over.

Me:  Yeah!  Can you fry the fish outside, though. That smell lingers for days.

Hubby:  If it’s not snowing I promise to take it outside.  My dad can help me out.

Me:  Thank you.  What’s on the menu?

Hubby:  I was thinking some cod, talapia…whatever’s on special.  I’ll talk to the old man and see what he wants.  Where is he?

Me:  He’s on the phone with one of his lady friends.  I have a potato pancake recipe I’ve been wanting to try.

Hubby:  I could go for some crab legs. I think I saw crab legs on sale somewhere.  Dad!  Where did we see those crab legs?

Drama finishes up his conversation, and walks into the kitchen:

Drama:  I had crabs once. 

Hubby and I locked eyes for approximately five seconds as we let the phrase “I had crabs once.” sink in.  Then, things literally got a little hazy because I couldn’t see through the tears rolling down my face, the mascara was burning my pupils, and the urge to pee my pants was making me dizzy.   Eventually, we were able to form words again:

Hubby:  Did you really have crabs once?

Drama:  Yes!  It was awful.  I had my nut brush, but still.

Me:  (On the verge of losing it, again)  Your nut brush?!

Drama:  (Condescending tone)  It’s not really for your nuts, stupid.  It’s a regular brush.  I just use it for…that.  Sometimes they itch, and I get so mad and I’m like “Oh my God, please help me.”  So, I grab my nut brush.

Relief.

At this point, the urge to pee my pants is much too overwhelming, and so I excuse myself to use the restroom.

Drama:  (Yelling) OH YEAH!  DMTF!  Don’t use the brown brush in the bathroom anymore!  I’ll buy you a new one.

Nice.  And, yes.  You will buy me a new one.

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36 Responses to “A Fish Fry, Crab Legs and a Nut Brush”

  1. KristenSays April 18, 2011 at 12:45 pm #

    Oh. My. God. I am laughing so hard I have to go… well you know what comes next…

    hee-larious!!

  2. girlonthecontrary April 18, 2011 at 1:00 pm #

    I think I’m going to start calling people I’m annoyed with “nut brushes”.

    • Don't Make That Face April 18, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

      Example:
      Bitchface: May I check your purse for my missing camera?
      GOTC: Go f yourself, you nutbrush!

  3. Miz Parker April 18, 2011 at 1:02 pm #

    Oh, good Lord! A nut brush?!? Bwahahaha!

  4. Mutterschwester April 18, 2011 at 1:42 pm #

    This made my day. Nut brush. I’m going to think of all the ways I can get that phrase into conversation.

    • Don't Make That Face April 18, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

      Make a game and let me know how many times you do it and the context. I can’t wait to hear the results. I bet you can’t do it three times today.

  5. BDOC April 18, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    I can only hope that when I’m married someday that my in-laws are that fantastic!

  6. accidentalstepmom April 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

    I’m with GOTC. It’s the new insult. I worked a few times with this band called the Plastic Cheeses, punk band fronted by a kindergarten teacher who performed in tighty whiteys with electrical tape on his nipples. They had a song called “Kwell Smell”, containing the line “Hey, these aren’t scabs/ oh my god/ I’ve got crabs!”

    Nutbrush is badass.

    • Don't Make That Face April 18, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

      Nutbrush would be an excellent name for a band.
      Also, I love hearing about the secrete lives of teachers. I have a lot of teacher friends, and whenever we get drunk together I threaten to take pictures or say something like “I can’t believe people trust you with their children.” Good times.

  7. Thypolar April 18, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

    LMAO! Sounds like a conversation that normally occurs in my house, minus the crabs of course.

    So…..did you get a new brush? LOL

    • Don't Make That Face April 18, 2011 at 3:20 pm #

      Minus the crabs, of course. 🙂
      Yes, I got a new brush. I made him buy me an expensive paddle brush for the pain and suffering he caused.

  8. shannon April 18, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    Hmmmm does this mean I need a Snatch brush?? Lol that was hilarious!

  9. Invisible Mikey April 18, 2011 at 7:39 pm #

    OMG, I can’t type LOLOL

    • Don't Make That Face April 18, 2011 at 8:21 pm #

      🙂 Do you have an invisible nut brush you stash somewhere? You don’t have to answer that.

  10. Amy April 18, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    Cracking up at this!
    And for using your brush, you should change his pseudonym to Alejandro.

  11. marinasleeps April 18, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    Talk about shit my dad says!
    This was crazy hilarious!

    • Don't Make That Face April 19, 2011 at 8:20 am #

      He’s nuts. I have so many stories about that guy I can’t wait to share.

  12. jaerae1971 April 19, 2011 at 5:52 am #

    That’s it. I’m putting Nut Brushes in my boys easter baskets. Problem solved.

    • Don't Make That Face April 19, 2011 at 8:19 am #

      Why didn’t I think of that? It could become a tradition. Christmas Nut Brush, Easter Nut Brush, 4th of July patriotic nut brush. The possibilities are endless.

  13. fnkybee April 19, 2011 at 8:23 am #

    Hilarious! Nut brush! Every time I see a brush now I will wonder..Is it a nut brush?

  14. Sweetrivers April 21, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    LOLOLOL This is very funny. I’m so glad I wasn’t there cause I would have burst out laughing or had my jaw drop open and stared at him. Still, very funny. Thanks for the share.

  15. Emily May 6, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    Can he adopt me?!

    PS: This is so going on Facebook, and I have no choice but to subscribe!

    • Don't Make That Face May 6, 2011 at 9:58 am #

      My father-in-law is one of the funniest people I know. He has no inner monologue….thank goodness.

  16. Brooke August 4, 2011 at 8:07 am #

    All I learned from this is you are WAY too comfortable with your inlaws! *stillgiggling*

  17. Don't Make That Face April 25, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

    Thanks for the kind words. It makes me happy that others think I’m hilarious. Now, I know it’s not just me. Thanks!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] consistently funny and irreverent, two things I really appreciate in a person. This post about her father-in-law cracked me right […]

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    […] next day the three of us were driving Drama around on some […]

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    […] Friday night Hubby and I decided to meet Drama at his favorite bar for a few drinks after work before we went to dinner.  Drama’s been […]

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