As Long As I’m First Wife

25 Mar
I was laying in bed yesterday with the TV on, delirious with fever, puking my guts out, and begging Takeo to please get me a refill on my Sprite and a cold wet rag for my forehead.  I was too weak to change the channel.  HBO aired the series finale of Big Love several times throughout the day, and I had an epiphany.
Maybe it was because I felt like I was dying yesterday, but I think that if Hubby would have walked in the door with a Laura Ingalls Wilder look-alike sister-wife for us, I would have welcomed her with open arms.  Then, I would have asked her to please put on my Quantum Leap Season 1 DVD, get me a piece of toast, and tickle my arm.

Welcome, Sister Alma Mae!

My raging, blinding, and irrational Latina  jealously makes welcoming a sister-wife into my marriage slightly less likely than welcoming a brother-husband, but hypothetically speaking, a sister-wife wouldn’t be so bad.  The way I understand it, a sister-wife would:

  1. Help with the housework.  Obviously, since I work full-time and attend school at nights, a majority of the day-to-day housework would fall on Alma Mae.  However, the way I see it, Alma Mae should be grateful for the opportunity to prove herself invaluable to her new family.
  2. Contribute financially to the family by selling homemade jams at a roadside stand.  This would allow me to quit my job and continue with school full-time.  It is for the greater good of the family, and I know Alma Mae has the family’s best interests at heart.  She would want to earn her keep.
  3. Make household repairs.  I’m useless when it comes to fixing anything around the house, and Hubby doesn’t always check his Honey Do list as often as I would like.  I’m sure that Alma Mae picked up a thing or two about caulking, auto repair, and window sealing from her 18 brothers.  I’m sure she would be more than happy to take a look at the Honey Do list!
  4. BJ’s.  I would make a chart, like a chore wheel or something.
  5. Be our designated driver…for life.  Seeing as though Alma Mae’s religion prohibits her from drinking, Hubby and I could always count on her to come pick us up from date night.  She would get out of the house for a while, and we would get home safely.  It’s a win-win.

I made my argument to Hubby last night and waited for a smartass response.  I expected something like, “Hell yeah!” or “Do I get to pick her out?”  Instead, what I got was, “Are you kidding?!  Two wives?!  Forget it.”

I’m going to pretend he meant that in an “I could never love another woman the way I love you” sort of way, but something tells me it was meant in more of an “If  I had to deal with two of you, I would go insane” kind of way.  Either way, he gave the right answer, and I love him.


5 Responses to “As Long As I’m First Wife”

  1. Monica March 25, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Where do I find my own!?!?!?!?

    • Don't Make That Face March 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

      Right?! That’s what I’m saying. What if you could get one that sews? You could give her pictures of what you want and she could make it custom! Nice.

  2. fnkybee March 25, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

    I want one! That would be great! Fan me and feed me bon bons! chop chop! Now rub my feet!

  3. 2bostons1baby April 4, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

    Where can I order one that would also take a screaming baby from my arms for 30 minutes so I could regain my sanity?

    • Don't Make That Face April 4, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

      Exactly. She could take care of the baby while you nap. A sister/wife is not that bad of an idea.

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