Pees Say It Ain’t So

8 Mar
 I recently read this hilarious post about a woman who didn’t realize she’d been sitting on a pee-soaked movie theater seat for 2 hours.  Unfortunately, I can relate.

I was at Summerfest  a few years ago, and decided to wait in line for a fancy public restroom toilet rather than use a disgustingly overused port-a-potty.

I usually go through a public restroom sanitation routine that includes kicking the stall door open, giving the toilet a courtesy flush with my foot, gingerly layering three layers of toilet paper on the toilet seat, and squatting over the seat as low as my underworked quads allow.  However, this was Summerfest.  I was a bit tipsy.  I really needed to go, and there was no time to mess around.  Not to mention, I had  just spent the past twenty minutes drunkenly complaining, with a group of equally drunk women, about how long people were taking to pee, and bragging that I could be in and out in less than two minutes. 

Finally, a stall opened up.  I prepared for the burn in my quads as I squatted as close to the seat as possible.

Feel the burn.

I was in position when all of a sudden a sneeze snuck up on me and knocked me off -balance. What happened next happened slow motion Matrix style. 

With my shorts around my ankles, I frantically tried to regain my balance without falling onto the toilet paper-less seat.  There  I was, bare-assed and drunk, my left foot raised, my arms flayling in really quick, really small arm circles, and my eyes open wide with terror.  As I went down my fingers grazed the top of the feminine napkin waste container (EWWWWWW!),  and the stall walls (GROSS!).  In a matter of seconds I was sitting, bewildered, on a cold, damp, wet toilet seat.  Readers, someone else’s pee was touching my butt. 

 

DIS. GUST. ING.

Although I continued to drink, I didn’t use the bathroom for the rest of the night.  I did end up peeing my pants a little on the way home, but it was my pee.  Not so gross.  Right?

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6 Responses to “Pees Say It Ain’t So”

  1. Monica March 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    LOL!!! I think all women can relate to this story! I know for a fact that one of your readers is talented enough to pee into a water bottle while on a school bus, but I won’t name names….you know who you are 🙂

    • Don't Make That Face March 8, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

      PEE IN A WATER BOTTLE?! That is amazing. I can’t even pee outside without making a mess. I always end up peeing on my foot or something. Check this out http://www.go-girl.com/ It’s amazing.

  2. Beebs March 8, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

    Are you sure it was Summerfest and not the can at the office? You were pretty drunk.

  3. Beebs March 8, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

    Okay, something tells me the “reader” wasn’t using Go-Girl with that bottle. Did you see that sweet Go-Girl ride? I wish I had that to sport around town in.

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